Expy - my juvenile red dragon - has been bugging me for a while to do a bit of guest blogging on Dungeon Mastering. Until now I always refused because I thought he was just going to bitch about other dragons and how reds are so much better (to which I usually reply “what about gold dragons” and then he skulks for an hour or so). But Expy finally convinced me that his rants have some entertainment potential.

So without further delay, here is Expy’s thoughts on green dragons.

Expy the dragon says:
Green dragons are ornery.
Don’t invite them to a party.

Green dragons or What’s that in your face?

I was on my way to visit a blue friend recently and I bumped into a green dragon in the mountains. Usually greens are very territorial but this one flew right up to me and told me he was looking for a lady red dragon. Why would a green look for a red? I told him that if he needed his buttocks handed to him by a red dragon, I’d be happy to do it!

Turns out he was actually smitten with that lady red! Can you believe that? A green in love with a red! I laughed so hard I almost flew right into a cliff wall.

First of all, greens have this enormous horn smack in the middle of their face. For you humans, it would be the equivalent of having an enormous pimple that never goes away. Second of all, reds like gold pieces, gems, magic items. We hoard bling. We’re cruel, ruthless, professional bling hoarders. Greens like to keep mementos from exciting victories - they’re sentimental. If a green dated a red, the green would get whipped beyond recognition within a few minutes.

I kept making fun of the green dragon and he seemed irritated so I told him that even if he managed to get past the horn, the sentimentalism, and the gnome-eating - they like eating gnomes, I’m not making this up. So, er, even if they get over all that, there is still one major issue. What is that major issue, he asked.

No red will want to kiss you. Your breath is noxious!