5 Reasons Why You Don’t Impress Tiamat
Some of you might remember my article about Orcus and all the ways he can destroy you, followed by Nicholas’s goblin minion parody. Well, bear with me, folks – I’m still obsessed with big evil monsters and the ways they can kill our PCs with a glance. That’s why we’re going to learn a little more about one of the biggest and baddest monsters in D&D’s history – Tiamat. (Cue ‘gong of doom’ sound byte.)
Tiamat has gone by many names: The Chromatic Dragon; Takhisis; The Dragon Queen; and “Oh S!@#”. She was named for a Babylonian goddess, and one look at her stat block reveals that she’s living up to that name. In fact, she’s sort of getting a big head (x5) from all of that fame and glory. But don’t bother trying to humble her; she’ll only erase you from existance, and we will point and laugh.
In the spirit of doomed adventurers everywhere, let’s take a look at five reasons why Tiamat is thoroughly unimpressed with you.
Reason #1: Her Killer Stats
With stats in the 30’s and an AC of 50+, Tiamat is what every powergamer aspires to become, but never will. Don’t even try to be as cool as she is; you’ll only bring shame upon yourself and a stain upon your l33t d20 skillz for all time. Remember: your PC has dump stats. Tiamat doesn’t.
Reason #2: Your Puny Level
Tiamat is immune to attacks by anyone and anything below level 20. If that includes your PC, you’d better go chop up some smaller threats until you’re man enough. Don’t worry; everything counts as a ‘smaller threat’ than Tiamat, so you’ll have plenty of material to work with.
Reason #3: Your Pathetic Initiative
While you’re sitting there praying to the dice gods for a good roll, Tiamat is laughing at you. Tiamat doesn’t roll initiative. But she does own the crap out of you with all five of her heads, every round, beginning on initiative 45. Then 40. Then 35. You get the picture.
Reason #4: She’s a Cheaty Deity
Tiamat breaks the rules. She rolls a saving throw in response to any adverse condition you slap her with, even if it doesn’t allow a saving throw. She speaks and understands every language. And she can’t actually be killed unless you undertake an arduous quest to lure her into Bahamut’s realm; kill one of her consorts (and a lot of other ancient dragons) and turn them into magic items for yourself; or steal her precious eggs and exploit them. Good luck with that.
Reason #5: She’s Tiamat
She’s been eating PCs since 1975’s first Greyhawk supplement. Her groupies are dragons. She has been in numerous books, and even on television. If you face Tiamat, she will claw you, dominate you, bite you, stun you, sting you with her tail, and breathe a five-pronged attack of elemental fury – if her crazy aura doesn’t kill you first.
Tiamat is stronger, scarier, and better than you. No matter what you do with your life, you will never impress her. You could sprinkle seasoning on yourself to become a very tasty hors d’ourve for her. Then again, she’s probably had better.
Have you ever had a run-in with the 5-headed chromatic dragon? Did you manage to beat her? Did she make you cry for your mommy? Share your Tiamat triumphs (and epic fails) in the comments section!
what if you’re one of those people who play their chaacters into levels higher than the max level? (i know people did that in 3.x). would you have a chance of becoming strong enough then?
(probably not, I got scared just reading that…)
Does this mean I have to do “5 Reasons Why You Don’t Impress a Zombie Rotter”?
Note: All five reasons are that it’s physically incapable of feeling impressed.
hey man great post. I tend to DM more then play a PC, and yes i’ve used a Tiamat, but I never made my pc’s fight her. She’s more of a quest giver or a “don’t go that way” item. Once a group, just out of spike, tryed to fight her. She wasn’t very impressed with the fighter lvl 20. So the rest of them backed off.. its a very usefull monster.
That’s asking … “have you ever fought a God”? Hmmmm can’t think of any pleasant outcome.
This is why you need to have Venger in your group beforehand.
I’ve never used Tiamat in any of the games I have GM’d. I place her at the deity level that players don’t mess with. I don’t think I have actually ever run across her in all the years I played, at least I don’t remember. Perhaps I did and it was so traumatic that I just blanked it out.
Does this mean I have to do “5 Reasons Why You Don’t Impress a Zombie Rotter”?
Note: All five reasons are that it’s physically incapable of feeling impressed.
That’s funny, I could have sworn reason #5 was “Zombie Rotter knew Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris was a friend of Zombie Rotter’s. You are no Chuck Norris.”
Actually, I’m starting a war campaign between dragons and tiamat worshippers, and the humanoid races…Tiamat is going to be the dragon patron, but I think the PC’s are going to be on the dragon’s side, so I doubt they’ll have to fight her, unless they want to like steal her place in the god hierarchy or something. That would be neat…
^that’s like in dragonlance legends, with raistlin trying to defeat takhisis. it’s a good idea.
@ Nicholas: Yes, write it. WRITE IT NOW!!! ;)
@ Diego: That sounds like a fun premise for a campaign.
@ AV: I think epic-level PCs would stand a chance IF they had great equipment and/or a metallic dragon buddy. It would be an awesome battle, that’s for sure!
@Janna: Alright
#1: Zombie Rotters do not have brains capable of forming opinions, including being impressed.
#2: Zombie Rotters’ eyes may have decayed out, making it difficult to assess your worth for good or ill.
#3: Zombie Rotters are the basis for a stereotype often mis-attributed to Jewish mothers, they are never satisfied with your accomplishments. Also, you should bring a sweater and call more.
#4: Zombie Rotters are actually incredibly powerful, they just let you win so you can feel better about yourself.
And a special guest number 5 from Noumenon:
#5: Zombie Rotter knew Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris was a friend of Zombie Rotter’s. You are no Chuck Norris.
I wouldn’t say “friends” per say, but someone had to put all those zombie rotters in their graves.
There you go, Janna, just for you. That one was on the house.
I DM a game in which the good old Dragon war is the main story line, so the PC’s will have to face off to a Tiamat-Aspect at some time. Were still playing D&D 3.5, anyone any suggestions as to where I can find stats of the Dragon Queen of Evil (or a beatable aspect…)
I once ran a one-shot 3.5 epic-level session (mostly because I had bought the old 3.0 epic level handbook and wanted a chance to actually use it.)
Once the level-40 characters had Vorpal-sworded Elminster, I knew I had to throw something more challenging their way. Enter Tiamat.
One character in the session was riding a black dragon for his blackguard mount. At least, he was, until Tiamat commanded the dragon to eat him. Good times, good times.
@ Nicholas: Lol!! Thanks. That was almost enough to impress even Tiamat.
@ ZedZed77: That’s hardcore! And gives me ideas….
Good article!
The whole can’t be killed thing for some reason makes it all the more appealing. You just have to fluff that stuff, which I like, cause the crunch don’t cover that kind of thing.
That’s epic level fluff. It conceivable you could plan to overthrow some temporal ruler who was well entrenched (a paragon level sort dude) without that ruler inconveniencing the players too much.
You almost have to assume she would know if someone was trying to lure her to her doom, and her having lots of bad dragons as her pose’… So, Tiamat would find out your trying to do her in and with the ridiculous “I cannot die!” clauses she has going for her she would immediately crash your party.
Nicholas, I really like #4.
Could the Tarrasque be a challenge for Tiamat or only the gods can fight against her?
There are stats for the aspect of Tiamat in the Encyclopedia of Demons and Devils for v. 3.0. It’s not exactly 3.5, but it’s certainly compatible enough for use. I’m actually getting ready to use her in my campaign. My PC’s tangled with Tiamat’s son/lover (gross!) some years ago in a game where they are immortals. She’s pissed and has been searching for them for like 300 years and is gettin’ ready to find them. dun dun DUNH!
dungeons and dragons is the greatest game in the milkey way!!! i would pwn all of you anytime you want orrrr just have a friendly chat.. any questions? contact me 617 877 0924
@ Labareda: I’m kind of with you on that one. Is tricking and/or trapping a being so intelligent and powerful even possible?
That isn’t even a rhetorical question. I’m really trying to figure this one out, seeing as I’m building a campaign for my group the works up to a final battle with Tiamat that is partly assisted by Bahamut. But the obstacle still remains: how do you trick a diety into deathtrap?
– Dani
I never faced Tiamat when I was a player. But I have used her in my actual mastered campaign. My players fought with her once and only a warrior survived and he survived just because the wizard teleported him away. It was very funny and very impressive too. My player rolled critical hits and fought bravely but died anyway. Tiamat is Tiamat.
I’m actually creating a VERY elaborate, difficult, and rewarding questline/campaign that will send all the PCs through the requirements to have the ability to kill Tiamat. Obviously, by the end of this campaign, they’ll be in Lvls 21-31, and if they don’t screw up on the way, hopefully towards the higher end of that range xD. I’m hoping that it will be a success and land the PCs in an amazing final clash with Tiamat. And if they win (Which probably won’t happen even then unless some freak ghost possesses me to throw Bahamut into the mix) they’ll have the choice of dealing a final blow to the greedy god, or let her live. Good idea? And furthermore, do you think (even with REALLY lucky dice rolls) they’ll even have a chance?
I am running a campaign that involves all of the dieties, and tiamat and bahumat are the main ones they are going to end up with. The two people I have as my players, and my NPC are all halfdragons (a homebrewed race) and another of our choice. It is a little complicated to explain the full background of our characters but the whole idea is gonna lead to a plan that has a 15 floor dungeon that deals with ALL of the deities.
One of my characters has Tiamat wanting him to be her follower, bahumat has interviened and has sent him on some kind of journey that is unknown to my player.
does anyone have some good ideas to shpae this story where we can all have fun?
My whole campaign is based on Tiamat, Her Followers, Bizarre Clerics, Grotesque Locations, a former right hand and a countless treasure. The players are still on level 12, and I am working on great advance for the last battle. Still out of ideas.
@Ruthelss Deity: The best way to create a final showdown is to find out what your players think. You need to get inside their head make them feel afraid for their lives, and get the players to react as their characters. One thing you need to remember is THEY ARE FIGHTING TIAMAT!! She is a deity, and one of the baddest ones out there. There is no planning with her. She does what she wants, when she wants, and always gets her way no matter what. If that is not enough of a final showdown for your characters, then I do not know what is.
But if you need some more help, I do have a few ideas that can help you out, but I will need to know the story so far, and what you have planned also. You can email me it if you want at mistress.of.hell6663@gmail.com. Make sure the you have something to do with D&D on the subject bar or I will delet it.
Yeah!!! my dungeons and dragons party just killed Tiamat, was an epic 8 hours battle where we were close to lose many times, we lured tiamat to Bahamut’s realm, (actually Tiamat wasnt scared of folloing us since Bahamut was dead) our power tank Runkdar dealt amazing damage, shaking Tiamat with his 2 magic hammers), our bard Aldaron gave us incredible buffing (believe me all buffs you can have help a lot), our cleric Alberto healed and protected us, our deadly wizard shot like an artillery cannon, our exhalted Druid Way (druids are cool) and me, Jubei the halfing Rogue managed to put the hurt in Tiamat, of course we had items that helped us, but getting them was part of the 2 years campaign we played, we started at level 2 (practically one lol) and costed us pain blood and suffering getting the necesary things to kill the mean dragon god to restore balance after Bahamut died (dont ask why or how), people who died epically in the fight, our Troll Monk (swallowed), our Ranger (Tiamat’s breath) our Paladin (you dont want to know how), our Frenzied Berserker (epic death, enough said). Their names will be remembered forever (specially cause resurrect them is impossible) But everything was worth seeing Tiamat die, the world didnt end and universe balance is restored thx to a few brave adventurers. The elves, Satyrs (or Fawns), Dwarves and The halfings of the Shire (or hobbits if you like)who Tiamat made extinct were resurrected and their souls returned. The most epic campaign i have ever played, took us long enough to get level 21 to kill Tiamat. We fought bravely and deserved to win, Tiamat is Tiamat, but we impressed it and killed it, i would like to say Tiamat didnt impress us but i would be lying, it was the most fearsome thing we ever killed, everything looks smaller, everything looks easy once you kill Tiamat.
PD: you can ask for our actual classes, stats and items if you want, my character sheet is on the wall next to my University Degree in my office now.