By - January 12, 2009 - 18 Comments

Confessions of a Level 26 Minion

Coffee cake, latte, and an old dusty scroll…

While I was browsing through the used book store, I came upon an ancient, dusty scroll inked in a dark red fluid. Try as they might, the sales associates couldn’t find a bar code on the thing, so they agreed to give me the scroll for free (with any purchase of $10 or more). Five minutes later, coffee cake and latte in hand, I sat down at a corner table to pore over the scroll’s contents.

What I found was disturbing:

Dear Diary,

The weirdest thing happened to me last week. I was just sitting around in my lich tower – which is all I *ever* do. This whole ‘eternal undeath’ thing is driving me nuts – when all of a sudden some big armored guy kicks in the door and starts whacking me upside the phylactery. I thought about destroying him and his pathetic allies, but then it occurred to me that this totally unprovoked attack could just be the sweet release I’ve yearned for. So I stopped uttering my incantation and allowed the ignorant peons to land a killing blow.

When I awakened, my eyes did not see paradise. In fact, all I saw was Vecna. “Well, this can’t be good,” I thought to myself. I dropped to my knees and pleaded with Vecna to let me find peace and slumber at last, but he was all, “Talk to the hand, pal.” Then I was suffused with an evil, crackling light. The next thing I knew, I was back in my tower.

But something had changed. Something deep inside me. I hate to say it, dear Diary, but… I think I might be a minion!!

Now, I know what you’re thinking. How can I possibly be a minion when I’m a level 26 badass? It’s just little signs, you know. Like, my armor class is awesome, but I feel a lot more fragile than I used to. My attacks are pretty sweet, but they’re not what they used to be. And I just can’t muster a healing surge, no matter how hard I try.

Worst of all, these lich vestiges keep banging on my chamber door, asking me to join them in “unleashing our orb of obliteration” or some such nonsense. They disgust me, but I feel strangely drawn to them. Could I be one of them, a mere vestige of my former self, to be destroyed by one blow of a hero’s sword? I dare not experiment, lest I crumble to dust forevermore.

Then again, at least I’d be dead. Permanently.

I’m at a loss, dear Diary. What should I do? Should I revel in my new form, adding my dark energy to the lich vestiges’ fiery orb of death? Or should I throw myself from a tower window and end my tortured existence? (Although, if I really am a minion, tripping over a cinder block would do just as well…)

As you can see, this lich-turned-vestige has real problems. Dungeon Mastering has an emergency e-mail hotline for PCs who have been polymorphed into goblins, but, sadly, no help whatsoever for undead wizards who become high-level minions. And so, I turn to you, the readers.

What do you think the lich should do? Kindly share your advice in the comments section! 

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Written by Janna

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  1. Hilarious! The only advice I can offer our lich friend is to start looking for a portal to a world that operates according to a different ruleset…..

  2. Nicholas says:

    Polymorph himself into a goblin, then we can help him.

  3. Palm says:

    Well, the usual for a minion that tries to go up in rank.

    Face a PC, get a few lucky rolls and then do a “he couldn’t survive that”. Sadly, that is probably the only way for a minion to go up in ranks, and its very unlikely.

  4. Toord says:

    You know what’s not cool? No Sunday morning quiz! :(

  5. AlgaeHydra says:

    Die horribly with a single stroke of a hero’s sword.

    Duh.

  6. ZedZed77 says:

    Dear tortured lich-minion,

    You need to stop thinking of Vecna as your boss and start viewing him more as a father-figure. Next Father’s Day, try getting him a nice tie (or maybe an eye-patch?).

    See if he promotes you from helpless minion to borderline-expendable lieutenant. Then, you can begin carving out your own minion-filled niche in his evil hierarchy.

    And remember, Vecna is always in need of a hand around the house.

  7. Fishercatt says:

    Learn from Vecna, Mr. Lich! Cozy up to the old fellow, and see how he interacts with yourself and others. Gauge the feelings of disgust you have with yourself and the feelings of servitude you feel for Vecna. Once that’s done, try and get others to feel that way about YOURSELF, and before long you’ll be a minion with minions… perfect Final Boss for the campaign!!

  8. Martin Hazel says:

    Hmmn, firstly you spent your time moping in your tower, what Can you expect, how do you ever expect to learn from that, how do you expect to become a godform, quite frankly your pitiful whining makes me sick, what Vecna did was a favour which from your moping, whining and lurking you quite frankly don’t deserve. Either find the nearest Hero and jump on his sword, or make your self worthy of being a peon of Vecna

  9. Kyre says:

    *Points his Rod of Reaving +1 at the minion, and just grins evilly.*

  10. Diego Draw says:

    Wear really, really, really, really thick armor…?

    ~D-Draw

  11. Yax says:

    A lot of really good advice here.

    @Toord: No Sunday morning quiz last week. Vecna got to me. Back to regular quiz awesomeness this week.

  12. Janna says:

    “And remember, Vecna is always in need of a hand around the house.”

    *rimshot!*

    @ZedZed77: That’s not bad advice for handling Vecna, but I’d stop just shy of calling him ‘Daddy’.

    @AlgaeHydra and Kyre: Tough love? Well, sometimes it’s the only way. :)

    Great advice! Maybe there’s hope for the lich minion after all. (Pfft, who am I kidding? He has 1 hp.)

  13. peter says:

    mr.lichington should …
    1.(hard)join the other guys and prove yourself worthy
    2.make a new metal box

  14. Jason Lee says:

    I think that ANY Lich, as long as he’s powerful enough… which this one should be…. should have the dignity, to not liv life a a minion, but instead Teleport themselves into the sun!!!!! Better yet ALL Liches should follow that aadvice!! If they aren’t powerful enough they should find someone who is, and get it overwith!!!!
    lmao!

  15. Steve says:

    Everyone knows that Vecna helps those who help themselves… especially minions!

    Hey man, don’t feel bad. What most people don’t know is that EVERY monster starts their villainous career off as a minion. It’s your ambition that defines you, not your current position.

    (Oh, and remember to dress for the position you want, not the position you have. Try sprucing up your usual vestments with a Robe of Eyes and see if the other liches don’t start taking notice.)

  16. Yax says:

    2nd edition wizards started out at minions! And they ended up all powerful. Don’t give up hope.

  17. Person says:

    Think about it, minions can be really powerful if they learn illusory forms and weak telekineses so they can be the annoying, clever boss of a political intrigue campaign
    plus, you get an army to command most of the time

  1. [... Coffee cake, latte, and an old dusty scroll... While I was browsing through the used book store, I came upon an ancient, dusty scroll inked in a dark red fluid. Try ...]

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