Confessions of a Level 26 Minion
Coffee cake, latte, and an old dusty scroll…
While I was browsing through the used book store, I came upon an ancient, dusty scroll inked in a dark red fluid. Try as they might, the sales associates couldn’t find a bar code on the thing, so they agreed to give me the scroll for free (with any purchase of $10 or more). Five minutes later, coffee cake and latte in hand, I sat down at a corner table to pore over the scroll’s contents.
What I found was disturbing:
The weirdest thing happened to me last week. I was just sitting around in my lich tower – which is all I *ever* do. This whole ‘eternal undeath’ thing is driving me nuts – when all of a sudden some big armored guy kicks in the door and starts whacking me upside the phylactery. I thought about destroying him and his pathetic allies, but then it occurred to me that this totally unprovoked attack could just be the sweet release I’ve yearned for. So I stopped uttering my incantation and allowed the ignorant peons to land a killing blow.
When I awakened, my eyes did not see paradise. In fact, all I saw was Vecna. “Well, this can’t be good,” I thought to myself. I dropped to my knees and pleaded with Vecna to let me find peace and slumber at last, but he was all, “Talk to the hand, pal.” Then I was suffused with an evil, crackling light. The next thing I knew, I was back in my tower.
But something had changed. Something deep inside me. I hate to say it, dear Diary, but… I think I might be a minion!!
Now, I know what you’re thinking. How can I possibly be a minion when I’m a level 26 badass? It’s just little signs, you know. Like, my armor class is awesome, but I feel a lot more fragile than I used to. My attacks are pretty sweet, but they’re not what they used to be. And I just can’t muster a healing surge, no matter how hard I try.
Worst of all, these lich vestiges keep banging on my chamber door, asking me to join them in “unleashing our orb of obliteration” or some such nonsense. They disgust me, but I feel strangely drawn to them. Could I be one of them, a mere vestige of my former self, to be destroyed by one blow of a hero’s sword? I dare not experiment, lest I crumble to dust forevermore.
Then again, at least I’d be dead. Permanently.
I’m at a loss, dear Diary. What should I do? Should I revel in my new form, adding my dark energy to the lich vestiges’ fiery orb of death? Or should I throw myself from a tower window and end my tortured existence? (Although, if I really am a minion, tripping over a cinder block would do just as well…)
As you can see, this lich-turned-vestige has real problems. Dungeon Mastering has an emergency e-mail hotline for PCs who have been polymorphed into goblins, but, sadly, no help whatsoever for undead wizards who become high-level minions. And so, I turn to you, the readers.
What do you think the lich should do? Kindly share your advice in the comments section!