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Family Reunions: Chromatic Dragon Style!

Written by E - Published on August 8, 2009

This is a guest post by E, from Geek’s Dream Girl. She runs a great blog (I’m a fan) and she also offers a unique service for geeks – if you’re single, you might want to check out her Gold d20dating consulting package!

The summer season always reminds me of family reunions.  Not my own – thank Moradin! – but summertime seems to be the season when most families get together for fun and food.  I have “fond” memories of my aunt drinking beer from a SuperSoaker, my cousin pulling his sister’s bikini top off and playing Keep Away with it, and my brother topping his salad with his favorite salad dressing – ketchup.

I have “fond” memories of my aunt drinking beer from a SuperSoaker…

It must be the same for the dragons of the world, right?  Let’s take a look at the dragon families who are getting together this July for their family reunions.

Brown Dragon Family Reunion

As we know from the Draconomicon, brown dragons:

“…prefer the comfort of their desert lairs and are at home below the earth… They are reserved, irritable, and cunning creatures that provide for themselves in whatever way requires the least amount of work on their part and avoids unnecessary trouble.”

Does that scream redneck to anyone else?  They’re simple dragonfolk, just working their simple jobs so they have enough money for ale and Slim Jims.  (Seriously, check out page 168 of the Draconomicon – brown dragons love “smoked and seasoned meats.”)

I can just see the family of brown dragons on the D&D equivalent of COPS.  “Occifer, I have no idear hows that stash of magical herbs got in my lair!  Honesssst!  I don’t do none of that stuff…  wha?  No, I’m not under no inflooinz.”

At the brown dragon family reunion, each family brings unique and gourmet dishes from their corner of the world.   At least, it appears unique to them, but in reality, there’s only so many ways you can spin Smoked Adventurer.  (Those “dragon experts” who claim that brown dragons are the gourmands of the dragon world are simply wrong.  Sure, a brown dragon wants to taste you, but only to decide whether you’d make good jerky.  There’s elf jerky, dwarf jerky, human jerky, orc jerky, goliath jerky, gnome jerky…

The young brown dragons immediately bond with each other, playing digging games in the sandbox.  The adults mingle and since they’re all surrounded by their own sand clouds, nobody seems to notice or care, even if it gets in the food.  You can brush sand off jerky and it’ll be perfectly fine!  If there’s a fight (and what redneck family reunion is complete without a fight), it’s the battle of the frightful presence, and we all know the Ancient member of the clan will win.

But really, who wants a free gray dragon?

Gray Dragon Family Reunion

Gray dragons don’t have family reunions.  Heck, they probably wouldn’t even recognize their family if they saw them.  Gray dragons are hunters and very nomadic and just leave their eggs in their hotel room, much like other people leave their trash.   One would imagine that other dragons finding a former gray dragon lair might open the dresser drawer and find an egg, much like we find a free Gideon Bible.

But really, who wants a free gray dragon?

Purple Dragon Family Reunion

Party in the Underdark!   Actually, watching a purple dragon family reunion is a lot like being at a rave.  (Remember raves?)  It’s all dark except for the glowsticks and everyone there seems to be under the influence of something.  It’s all trippy and there are dragons phasing through walls and bopping to the phat beatz of their favorite duergar trance DJs.

The best part about being a purple dragon is that you have the best catering ever for your family reunion.  You want an army of kobolds to fetch you tasty adventurers and those tasty adventurers to lay down in front of you and slather BBQ sauce on themselves?  Done and done!   Life is so much better when you have mind control abilities.

Green Dragon Family Reunion

When adventuring deep in the forest, you may stumble upon the reunion of a family of green dragons.  Actually, with the green dragon’s poisonous gas breath, you’ll probably SMELL the reunion long before you get to it.   If you have a gas mask, you can sneak in closer to watch the action.

Green dragons love deceit.  This of course extends to how they treat their own family members.  “Hey Azure,” an ancient green dragon calls out to her granddaughter.  “Did you know that if you touch your own spines you’ll die?  It’s true!  That’s why there are so few ancient green dragons!”   Raucous laughter ensues for the rest of the evening while Azure tiptoes around like she’s walking on eggshells.

The adults sit in a circle around the pile of food and tell each other horrible lies.  The winner of the day is the dragon who has the most convincing lie.   Meanwhile, the other young green dragons chase each other around trying to poke each other’s rear ends with their horns.   Of course, when one dragon succeeds in his quest, he’s “rewarded” with poisonous gas from his cousin!

Black Dragon Family Reunion

If a black dragon family reunion came to the present day United States, they would surely hold it at a water park.  I’m not sure how they’d deal with the chlorinated water, but I know they’d love the abundance of “adventurers” to eat.  I mean, all a black dragon would have to do is open his mouth at the bottom of any water slide and approximately every 10 seconds a new morsel is delivered!

Then once all the adventurers have been eaten, they can float in the Lazy River, melting the inner tubes with their acid breath for fun.

Then it’s off to the wave pool where the adults can use their giant tails to fling their young into the air over and over again.  What a great time!

Blue Dragon Family Reunion

Taking a vacation from the desert is a key part of blue dragon family reunions, but they don’t want to go too far from their familiar sandy turf.   You’ll find the blue dragon family reunion frolicking on the beach.

Since blue dragons are a fan of hierarchy, you’ll be able to tell who’s who by how they’re arranged on the sand.   The ancient dragons lounge in giant gazebos built by their minions.  (We all know you never mess with a gazebo!)   The adult dragons have fancy beach blankets with big umbrellas and the younglings can sit on the corners, if they’ve been good.

The favored activity of the blue dragon family reunion is manipulating other beach goers.  Whether it’s convincing humans that salt water is tastier than beer or tricking a lesser dragon to chew on a jellyfish because they taste like saltwater taffy, blue dragons love to get a chuckle over someone else’s suffering.

White Dragon Family Reunion

There’s a joke about white dragon family reunions – they’re the place you go to meet your future mate!   Inbreeding:  It’s how they make championship horses.  And white dragons.  Needless to say, white dragons can resist the cold, but they aren’t the brightest crayon in the chromatic box.

The one downside to being a white dragon – okay, wait, the OTHER downside to being a white dragon! – is that white dragons NEVER FORGET.   They have the memory of elephants, which means at every white dragon family reunion, your relatives will bring up every stupid decision you ever made.

“Hey Frostra!  No, not you, the other Frostra.  Big Frostra.  Yeah.  Remember that time 137 years ago when that adventurer convinced you that if you could lick your own dewlap you’d live forever?  And then you spent the next week with your face twisted in that totally retarded look?  Like this!  Remember?  Ha ha ha, oh that was awesome.”

Red Dragon Family Reunion

If you want to see an awesome family reunion, you need to check out the red dragons family reunion.  Red dragons know how to throw a party.  For starters, everything is better with fire.  There’s toasty marshmallows, grilled meat kabobs, fiery cocktails, tasty adventurers turning on a spit over an open flame, and sexy female kobold dancers that eat fire.

For the red dragon, the best part of the family reunion is if they get to host it near their lair.  You see, red dragons have a yearlong competition and the dragon with the biggest hoard gets to host the party!  Hosting the party means you are the top dragon of the family, so the competition is fierce all year to accumulate the most wealth.  This is the main reason why red dragons acquire wealth.  They love stuff, but more than stuff, they love being the top dog – I mean, dragon! – in their family.

Everyone remembers the year that Expy’s hoard exceeded his father’s – by one gold coin.  It was insane!   You would have thought the world was ending by the way the buzz spread around the dragon world.  Boy, was Expy’s dad pissed.   Pissed, but proud at the same time.   “That’s my boy!” he bellowed.  “One coin,” he muttered.  “One damn coin.”

The main activity at a red dragon family reunion is a game that’s a bit like Antiques Roadshow.  Every red dragon brings items from his hoard that he finds interesting and valuable and lets his relatives appraise them.   It helps them hone their appraisal skills and also gives them the chance to brag about the cool treasures to be had in their part of the world.

After the hoard appraisals have been done and the food has been consumed, red dragons spend the rest of the evening relaxing and telling each other their plans for amassing enough wealth to host the next reunion, which of course will be bigger and better than this one.  (No offense, Expy.  You know how your family gets.)

What About Tiamat?

Great-Granny Tiamat attends whatever damned reunion she pleases!  After all, she has a standing invitation to all dragon reunions.  To receive Tiamat and her consorts at your reunion is a great honor!

Actually, if you get a dragon drunk enough, he’ll admit that nobody actually wants Tiamat to show up… especially Expy, who really doesn’t want to have to build up his hoard again after Tiamat picks it clean.  Like all families, the dragons have that one member of the clan that they really hope doesn’t attend the reunion this year.

The best part about the dragon family reunion is being able to write a note to Tiamat afterwards:  “We’re sorry you missed the party and hope you’re doing well!”  Another successful family reunion!   See you next year!

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10 Responses to “Family Reunions: Chromatic Dragon Style!”
  1. Expy says:

    Once again, red dragons show that they are the best. Gawd I love hoarding stuff.

  2. The Reaper says:

    As a fan of purple dragons, the last comment of mind-controled catering was quite hilarious.

  3. Tiorn says:

    Oops! Yax needs to change the avatar for Expy! :)

  4. Yax says:

    Oops indeed!

  5. Yax is really a pretty inefficient minion. I think Expy should eat him. ;-)

  6. Yax says:

    No. I’m scrawny. Probably tough meat. I doubt I would taste good.

  7. Olan Suddeth says:

    LOL @ red dragon antique roadshow. Brilliant!

  8. DandDGuy says:

    Humans and Dragons alike, like hoarding things with humans though it is considered a psychological defect, in dragons its hereditary either way its Clutter. “but, i digress” I think the reds known how to throw a party but, i would go to the browns for the ALE, nothing like a cold one to take the heat off from the red party.

  9. The Reaper says:

    Myself, I would probably not go to a party in my mortal form. If I am my true, sentinel self, however, I would attend the Purple’s party….. I don’t like trance music and raves though, so I would just go there for the mind-controlled catering…..

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