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Famous Dungeons & Dragons last words

Written by Expy - Published on December 14, 2007

Famous D&D last words

Heard just before a character died:

  • Are you sure you want to do that?
  • I want to ride the dragon turtle!
  • What exactly do you mean when you say “save or die”?
  • I thought all city guards were incompetent!
  • You don’t have the weapon proficiency to use that vorpal sword.
  • Wait. That’s not a healing potion!
  • I’ll try to climb down that cliff.
  • Let’s sneak around that dragon.
  • It’s only a zombie bite. How bad can it be?
  • I hate rust monsters!
  • Wait! That’s not a helmet of water breathing!
  • Let’s attack the magic academy.
  • If the DM planned this encounter we can win it!
  • Run!
  • I jump through the prismatic wall and I try to avoid the purple spots.

Famous last words by Karmakaze.com

Famous last words by Druidic.net

More last words

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Written by Expy

Meet Expy The Red Dragon

Expy is the mascot for DungeonMastering.com and the real mastermind behind Expy Games. He likes to hoard treasure, terrorize neighbors, burn down villages, and tell white dragon jokes..

No matter how fearful the legends claim dragons are, they always end up being defeated in 5 rounds by adventuring parties they encounter. That’s what dragons are – experience points for the heroes in your Dungeons & Dragon party. And this mascot is no different, hence the name Expy.

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147 Responses to “Famous Dungeons & Dragons last words”
  1. The Evil DM says:

    Thief: “I’ll move silently and then garrote the Medusa.”
    -True story

  2. Robin Cannon says:

    Surely you’re missing the most common last words though;

    “If we roll really well…”

  3. Dave T. Game says:

    “That was the final boss, I’m sure it’s safe from here on out.”

  4. Argokirby says:

    “Lets go out there and talk to it…”

    Red Dragons don’t negotiate!

  5. Sandrinnad says:

    That’s only 5 feet wide, we can all jump it!

    it was, however, 1000 feet deep.

  6. Pé0 says:

    This one came too often: ”Another 20!!!”

  7. Zennsketch says:

    Kender: “Ok, so I put the portable hole in my bag of holding”

    DM: “…”

  8. Fox says:

    This one was great, it was in a DnD game that I tossed a little star wars into.

    “Whats a lightsaber?” Fssssshhhh

    Player played the character to the hilt, I gave him extra exp after he got resurected.

  9. Archangelus says:

    “Let’s follow that ghostly little girl…”

    Ah, memories. *chuckles*

  10. weeGoblin says:

    “I throw a stone, and when he looks the other way…”

    that only works on bad TV my friend.

  11. Jon says:

    You forgot “You have angered the gazebo.”

  12. Micah says:

    Captain of the Guards: “You can’t take weapons in to see the King.”

    Maybe it’s just me, but my players always get suspicious and aggressive whenever an NPC attempts to relieve them of their weapons. Then again, when every-other person you meet ends up trying to stab you, staying armed is probably a good idea.

  13. Levi says:

    “Who was that guy and why was he here?”

    “We’ll never know. You rolled a 14 on your stabilize check, remember?”

  14. Sean says:

    How about — “I want to challenge my god to a duel”

  15. Deez says:

    -A response to a threat from a high level enemy:
    Player: “I don’t think you want to kill me.”
    Enemy: “Oh? Why not?”
    Player: “I have something you want.”

    -After watching a group of town guards get pin-cushioned by archers in the street, a player walked outside and uttered these memorable words. “What’s going on out here?”

  16. Bael says:

    I drank what?

  17. Hammer says:

    No, it’s cool, I only need an 18 to pass.

  18. capnJayd says:

    Player , attempting to leap over an enemy, spin and stab in midair, land on the other side, “I’m gonna Matrix it!”

    DM “Ok, give me a jump check, then a tumble check, another jump check, and an attack roll.”

    Two nat ones later…

  19. Suite says:

    “Hey, I’m gonna pop the top offa Sprite, you guys want one?”

    5,000 Sprites suddenly emerge and a quick nat one later…

  20. Wolfan says:

    Said during a Forgotten Realms campaign to a cleric: “You know, I’m just getting a little sick of hearing you go on about this Mystra chick. Mystra’s stupid anyways!”

    I was DM…I spilled soda all over my self leaping for my dice. LOL

  21. Fynneun says:

    Bard:Oh we’re crazy you don’t want to mess with us!
    *stabs dying party member barbarian in the side killing him*

  22. Scone says:

    ‘Yeh, I want to turn on the experimental rocket boots’
    Paranoia campaign

  23. Micah says:

    Doing or saying anything in a Paranoia campaign is usually fatal.

  24. Donk says:

    Mage : “Which way does the giant fall?”

    A:On top of the palidin

  25. brynja says:

    lol- It’s ok, I’ve got 10 ranks in tumble and 6 in jump..

    Orks can’t clear much more than 20ft

    and ‘I’m lawful chaotic, I can’t let you steal…. *Stab with greatsword*…. Anybody round here know a cleric???

  26. Nate says:

    “ok we will attack the troll with the ballista”

    next campaign:
    “hey did you hear about the troll who uses a ballista like a crossbow?”

  27. narion says:

    come on, anything but a 1 ;)

    dying words for anyone

  28. Dave says:

    “Uh, can I re-roll that?”

    “I attempt to eat the manticore!”

    “I chew on the dead zombie’s bones!”

    “Sweet! This corpse had food!”

    “Hey, man? Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”

  29. Tagg Gnostic says:

    my favorite

    “‘cept me”, “cept me” “they all went in ‘cept me”

    theres a cept mee in every group

  30. I love the list.

    And this one

    “No, I’m not gonna check for traps. We haven’t run in to a trap yet!”

    poor ikdar. he never even made level 3.

  31. Stickof92 says:

    Ok here my list:

    -Deep down in an abadoned mine, a group of DP walk into an open room, the thief of the group looks up a shaft in the middle of the room and mutters the words-“guys whats that black thing coming down the shaft?”

    -Middle of the capital city- “Look at all those gimps in uniform”

    -Most obvious one of the lot- “What does this do?”

    -“Oh look a butterfly” this came from a hald blind monk, it was a dragon.

    -“Whats that pointy thing?”

    -“Why are the shodows moving?”

  32. This list made me laugh. A couple others:

    Oh, c’mon, let’s get a move-on, Wolfslasher. I’m sure there’s nothing lurking in that dark corridor ahead.

    Well, we forgot a long staff and it is a 10×10 corridor in the castle of a wizard with an affinity for gelatinous cubes, but let’s bully on anyway.

    The elf shot the food.

  33. Scion says:

    “That thing is made of water… I drink water!”

  34. Lunatic says:

    “I’ll show you were-wolf!”

    In a campaign dealing specifically with the creatures.. such a temperamental character. (Who was a bard, and wrongly accused of being such.. and who subsequently killed the entire village while his party fought the real were-wolves..)

  35. Francois says:

    DM : You hear a “click”
    (in a dungeon corridor)

    Arkanis the 1st lvl thief : I throw myself on the floor, hoping to evade the trap

    DM : The spikes on the floor pierce you..36dmg, you die.
    (Hey it’s in the module!)

    So, my 3 other thief characters where Arkanis the second, the third and the fourth.

    They didn’t survive either :(

  36. Kiter says:

    “Surely fire will scare the water elemental away.”

  37. Mike says:

    “I can’t get rid of this cursed sword so I might as well use it.”
    Followed by rolls of 1, back in 2nd ed. when magic items blew up when they broke. Fortunately only one character died, and not the one using it.

  38. Drizzit Red says:

    “It’s only a chicken.”

    As the “Chicken” goes on to kill the player that sputtered that nonsense.

  39. Michelle says:

    i can use my bedroll as a parachute!

  40. Here’s one, its a true story…

    Barbarian finds two potions:

    DM: Do you want to identify them first?
    Barbarian: Who cares? I’m a Barbarian, what’s the worst that could happen?

    (The bottles were full of Alchemist’s Fire. That took some dice to figure out.)

    There’s more humor at The Warmaster’s Guild http://johna3.home.comcast.net

  41. Bird says:

    LOL as long as the barbarians don’t make any sudden movements the only one who will be affected is the bathroom stall…..KABOOM

  42. Bird says:

    This is my favorite.

    ” I’m sure i rolled a 20″
    ” no dude…..it was a 2″

  43. Tysumi says:

    DM: I’s a critical hit…but you should be alright.

    Player: Really!!

    DM: Oops…forgot to add the strength modifier.

  44. Rick Xeros says:

    Player: “I wanna play a Drow Paliden!”
    (he got kidnaped a lot after that)

    MindFlayer player: “I kick the Paiden in the nuts!”
    (What? He was immune to my psyonic attack!)

    Dwarf Barb player: “I will attampt to run past the three Cockitrice!”
    (that didn’t end well)

    One Pirate to another: “I’ve got it we’ll steal one of those halfing children and raise him as our cabin boy!”

  45. Stephen says:

    Real comments in my games:

    Party: “We summon the hydra” (proved to wipe out the whole party)

    Adventurer: “Is that a detonating device the cyborg has?” (another whole party went down)

    Party: “We free the demon from it’s icy imprisonment”

    Adventurer: “Cool a Sphinx, I run up and answer it’s riddle” (Sphinx was really a manticore).

  46. Ben says:

    “The Tarrasque can’t be that tough”

  47. child of a smart orc and stupid illithid says:

    “come on guys, why would the DM kill us?” (poor noob)
    “I throw my chair at the biggest guy in the bar”
    “People can’t do more damage to you when you’re below 0, right?”
    “I cook the zombie meat, that sterilizes it!”
    “I pour my healing potion on the zombie, that hurts them right?” (either it heals them to you, or it it works, but he doesn’e have another for when he needs it, now does he?)
    “what do you mean ‘the disguise kit can’t hide my tail’?”
    “*in the midst of battle*hey guys, remember when that guy made me drop my sword back there? I just realized I never picked it back up…”
    “(to an evil cleric in a diplomacy check) Orcus? You worship whales?”
    “That _______(insert non-strength oriented class here)doesn’t look so tough”
    “I accept the Gnome’s offer. Awesome, I get paid for being a lab rat!!!”
    “A giant metal bull!!!(gorgon) I walk up and use animal empathy”
    “I know, we can all hide inside the bag of holding!!”
    “*to an ex-paladin Blackgaurd* So, does this mean the stick up your butt is thorny now, or what?”
    “what do you mean ‘you need more dice for this one’?”

  48. Michelle says:

    hey, is this padlock locked?

  49. Kynesis says:

    “Quick, give me the *only means of escape* I’ve got a plan!”
    “But it only has two arms in the picture..”
    “phht.. we’re only first level, he wouldn’t use that on us”
    “Of course it’s a potion of flying – it tastes like strawberry, the last one tasted like strawberry…”

    and our all time favorite (from Undermountain)
    “Do you look?”

  50. Bob says:

    Players: We open the door, what do we see?
    DM: Impending doom.
    Players: We go towards it.

    (Note: this was actual dialog in a game I played in once in college.)

  51. Tysumi says:

    “He looks trustworthy” :D

    “I’ve got it, I’ll use a disguise spell to sneak into the drow camp!”

    -During a Hell Campaign-
    “Wait a minute, how exactly do we get to Hell?”

    “What’s a Mindflayer?”

    “I don’t know about you guys, but I wanna slay the dragon!”

    “Let’s do a vampire campaign!”

    “Whats with that creepy kid with the giant book?”

    “Chipmunk? How tough could it be?” (our guides definition of a chipmunk was very different from yours)

  52. Maelifisis says:

    Oh Yeah, YOU and what army?!!
    Oh… That army.

    (actually they survived — by bravely running away)

  53. Dooda says:

    True story
    ‘ Dooda sticks his finger up the aligators nose.’
    Lets just say that did not go to well.

  54. Ben says:

    You can’t auto-fail saves… right?

  55. David says:

    “Oh yeah? Check this out.”

    All that we checked out was a nat. 1.

  56. Darkfrog says:

    Just last night:
    “You will pay for that little man!” It doesn’t pay to anger your party member who is a ninja assassin halfling, even if you are a beast of a fighter.

  57. Klaive says:

    “What do you mean a mountain just fell on us??!!!”

  58. Hmott says:

    Oh gawd I have a player who is always doing really stupid stuff. He’s lucky I’m a very merciful DM

    “I suck on the thingies coming out of its head!!!” while fighting a mindflayer

    One time they found “the Endless Stair” that led down to another plane. “I slide down on my bedroll!!!!”

    PC “Sooo, there’s no way out of this cell???”

    DM “You don’t have any ranks in Escape artist, so no, not for you.”

    PC “I bash my head against the ground so it looks like the guards are abusing me”

    DM “OOK… How much damage do you let yourself take?”

    PC “As much as I can without going unconcious”

    Just after that he was freed by someone else, but then they had to fight the entire garrison……. with 0 hp

  59. Ethan says:

    Me at my first time playing: “Well, I’ll tumble past the Devil and use acrobatic backstab with black lotus poison on my sword, that’ll kill him”

    DM; “Devils are immune to poison dude, anyways…the devil got a…critical…how much health do you have?”

  60. StandardFiend says:

    Player 1: I open the door.
    DM: A magical hand appears and smacks you across the hallway and pulls the door shut. *Rolls a bit of damage*
    Player 2: Now I try to open the door.
    DM: Same thing happens to you.
    Player 3: Let me try next!

  61. Kurtis says:

    Roger: 2 lvl rng, ” Why do I always have to be the one to use melee weapons in close combat, why can’t you use susan? after all she’s the gay witch.”

    Poor Roger never made it past the next level, having forget the old adage of: ” Hell hath no fury like a 12 lvl sorceress who you just insulted.”

    The best one I have heard though came from a brand new player: “whats a saving throw, and can I throw it at my enemy?”

  62. Zepha says:

    Here was possibly the funniest thing I have seen…one of the players had a wish which I don’t like anyway…and here is the wording he used..

    Player ” I wish I had all my $hit back…”
    DM ” ..wow…”

  63. Lucas says:

    ‘I wish the spell reflecting demon was dead instantly, and can never ever come back ever in infinity”

    Needless to say I was very angry at my dad. true story. *Walks away and eats choclate*

  64. Elda King says:

    “It doesn’t matter the size of the room, I cast fireball!”
    “I attack the Hydra with my vorpal sword!”

  65. Ragnos says:

    “Move!”

    “I use the ledge to climb onto the roof.”

    “I stab the guy next to me.”

    “What’s the worst that could happen?”

  66. Stephen says:

    “Things can’t possibly get any worse”.

  67. AvatarArt says:

    The Official AvatarArt ‘Last Words Drinking Game’
    {as played @ GenCon viz a vie Mike B’s Infamous Annual Room Party}

    1) Make copies of ‘Last Words’
    2) Hand out to partygoers
    3) Take turns reading (different voices/acting out allowed)
    4) Drink for laughing
    5) Drink twice for laughing at your own
    6) Repeat as necessary

    Join the GenCon Forums to play with the Pros next year. See ya in ’09!

  68. AvatarArt says:

    And my favorite ‘Last Word:’

    “”What luck, a demon prince! When we kill him, we’ll get a horde of treasure and XP!”

    p.s. Yax, Karmakaze link didn’t work for me. I blame Gleemax.

  69. tycho says:

    playing vampire – the masquerade..

    I’m sick of having to do everything at night, surely some high factor sunscreen should protect me for a bit?

  70. Nightmare says:

    Playing Star frontiers – Alpha Dawn

    I asked one of my players if he was contentious yet…his response?

    “contentious? yea, contentious and pissed!”

    we all laughed so hard we had to stop for 10 minutes cuz he was so serious when he said it

  71. Steve says:

    A bugbear fighter in our latest 4th edition campain.

    Player: Bublin sniff goo

    DM: the goo rolled a 20

  72. Steve says:

    DM: you see a beautiful woman in the libary
    Bard: I go talk to her
    Woman: An evil mage trapped me in this room, one of you have to lead me out of here to break the spell
    Bard: Sure!!!!
    *leads her out of the room*
    *she leans in and kisses the bard, then telaports away*
    DM: Bard, make a fort save….

    (she was a succubus lols)

  73. Steve says:

    Player1: what do you think is at the bottom of that well?
    Player2: I don’t know, lets lower the fighter in to see

    the bottom of the well contained a true vampire gibbering mouther
    lost of fun

  74. Jen says:

    In our current campaign..

    our group is hiding in the woods in orc territory, a group of 11 walk by, orcs, goblins and a couple of ogres, and we decide not to tangle with them cause there were so many…

    later…

    a group of 5 walk by, 2 ogres and 3 orcs

    Us: We can take em’ there’s only 5! (there were 3 of us)

    we narrowly escaped, and only because my intelligent scythe with healing properties healed me *just* as I was crtited by an orc XD

    We later found out this group of 5 were level 6 and the group of 11 were all levels 1 and 2 XD

  75. Papapop says:

    “If the DM planned this encounter we can win it!”

    NEVER ASSUME THIS! EVER!

    too many Pc’s in my campaign have died because of it

  76. Orcus says:

    DM:A heavy wooden door stands before you.(end of a hallway, in a fortress armory).
    PC1: I open it.
    PC2: I dont go in, just want to make a note of that
    PC1: F*** you, I walk in.
    DM:There is no light in the small room, but you can smell that the air is thick with something other than dust, and you are surrounded by what feel like wooden barrels.
    PC1: Dude get in here, you have nightvision.
    PC2:Fine, I walk in.
    DM: You dont see anything.
    PC2: Why?
    DM: Cuz you have lowlight vision
    PC1:Pft, I light a torch.
    DM: KAABOOMM.The room explodes killing you both.
    PC2: You f***, that was the ammunitions room alright. Ok, Im done

  77. Stephen says:

    “I go up and put on the cloak” … it was actually a cloaker.
    “I put my ear to the door and listen to what behind it” … door was a mimic.

  78. alekx says:

    Spot on.

  79. Laughing Uncontrollably says:

    DM: “You walk in the dark room. Rustles of movement can be heard beyond the realm of vision. A large chest gleams beside the opposite wall.”

    PC 1: “I’m touching that chest. You seen what happened to the Dwarf.”

    PC 2: “You baby. I cross the dark room.”

    DM: “You die.”

    PC 2 throws dice and stomps on character sheet.

  80. Laughing Uncontrollably says:

    I’m not touching that chest.* …Stupid mind not alerting me to mistakes.

  81. Morthos says:

    My last character’s (a human fighter) last words:
    “Oh come on guys, I’m sure we can take the pathetic old woman! I unsheathe my greatsword and charge her, yelling to Kord!”

    It was a death hag. I was level 5.

  82. Dr. Strangelove says:

    A wizard using planer binding to summon a demon to help with a quest.

    “It’s ok guys we can trust him. We’re all the same alignment here.”

    Yeah…EVIL!!!!

  83. Mashimoto says:

    “I jump off the cliff and climb into my bag of holding…you guys will open it for me, right?”

    “Oh FUCK! They can JUMP?” (AFMBE zombie campaign)

    “Why would THIS door be trapped?”

    “I teleport across the chasm.” (other side was a pressure plate, giant spiders dropped from above. Actually made it out of this one, but it was damn close)

  84. Drunkenhellhound says:

    My pcs were teleported to a tiny room with a barred door with a crack in the roof and a dead carrion crawler:

    Dm: the carrion crawler squeals as you strike the final blow

    PC1: i sleep cuz were really hurt.
    PC3: ill keep watch.
    (after a couple hours)
    Dm: roll a spot check
    PC2: I wake up now.

  85. zutolor says:

    “does anyone know why these candles are ticking?”

  86. Dumok says:

    Setup: The player running a fighter which no-one liked and was min-maxed as hell decided to go a on food run. He stated that his character would stay and rest in the last safe room where we had camped in a dungeon. While he was gone the party defeated a small group of monsters in a room and discovered in the treasure a cursed Battleaxe.
    Being the bastids they are they decided to tell the fighter upon his return that they had already identified it and discovered it was a +5 Battleaxe of Demonslaying. With this adventure being centered around a small dungeon infested with demons, he was extremely pleased.

    DM: Across the grand hallway you see several smaller demons positioning themselves for an attack. Behind them stands a large Balor.
    Fighter: I charge the Balor.
    DM: *Accusing glare at the rest of the party*
    PArty: Snicker snicker hee hee

    That Balor did things to that fighter that would make Freddy Krueger wince. He ended up using the fighter’s decapitated head as a projectile to knock out the mage across the room.

    Famous last words?
    Fighter: “You guys are a$$holes!”

  87. GergLeft says:

    “What would really suck is if…”

  88. InnerDemise says:

    OK… I kick it.
    “IT” was a magical mirror that exploded when he kicked it. This caused all party members to have to save, those that failed had to make save for their magical items. Many of those items failed and also exploded causing a new round of saving throws. You can see where this is going.

  89. InnerDemise says:

    Step back I’m gonna throw another goldfish.

    The goldfish in question hit a trap in the middle of the room that caused all of the other traps to start going off. This in turn caused the room to basically turn into a nuclear explosion (but not as bad as previous post) that killed all but 2 characters.

  90. InnerDemise says:

    Do I have a fiddle?

    Same guy that said “OK I kick it” but only this time spoken to a PC that had a total hatred for any type of bard, music or frivolity of any kind.

  91. DeathKitten says:

    While playing a kender:

    I run into the cave.

    “You see a large red dragon.”

    (To the dragon who had recently been sleeping.) HI DRAGON!!! How are you today? Are you a Mr. dragon or a Ms. dragon, I can never tell… How do you tell? Wow you have pretty scales! They are so shiney and sparkly and silky smooth looking. Why do you live all the way out here in a cave by yourself? Are you lonely? You know we could be friends if you are.

    (After several rolls of dice.) “The dragon swallows you whole.”

    Other Player: I run into the cave cause the kender has stopped talking.

    (DM rolls) “The dragon uses the kender as a thrown weapon and sends both of you flying out of the cave.”

  92. DavePickens says:

    “Let’s make a deal…” (said upon entering a Tremere chantry and finding a stone sarcophagus, which opened to reveal Tremere himself)

    “You guys stay out of it. This is my fight.”

    “I knew things were going entirely too well.”

    “I’m thinking killing the Balor might have been a bad idea…”

    “Let’s interrupt the summoning before it is complete. Then nothing bad will happen, right?”

  93. KingTharg says:

    “I’m sick of this, I stab the smith.”
    The smith was with an army of 10,000 elite elven soldiers bent on cleansing the world of any who threatened elven kind. The player was a level 4 halfling rogue.
    He was saved by AYS though, so he lived on long enough to destroy my campaign.

  94. Janna says:

    True story…

    DM: You see a fountain.
    PC: Okay. Anything in it?
    DM: There’s a leak in the fountain.
    PC: I go up and put my finger in it.
    DM: *rolls dice* You take 30 damage from the fireball spell.
    PC: Wha- huh?! How did a leak cast a fireball spell?

    Turns out, what the DM was pronouncing as ‘leak’ was, in fact, a ‘lich’. Good times!

  95. Hmott says:

    lvl 1 ranger: A noise in the bushes? Listen. Woohoo! 20!
    DM: Using your expert archery knowledge and keen ears, it was at least 15 bows being drawn.
    Ranger: sneaky friggers. I shoot into the bushes…. crap. 1.

    He was pretty much a porcupine. The rest of the party went on to make great friends with the sneaky friggers.

  96. AlgaeHydra says:

    My poor monk, Tanis:
    “I punch it.”

    My anti-hero character with a dramatic background involving a dead wife and filling a book full of names of people he’d killed:
    Me: “As the monster cuts my body in two, I whisper my lost wife’s name before fading away.”
    DM: “You’re paralyzed.”
    Me: “I can’t talk, can I?”
    DM: “Nope.”
    Me: “Shit. I gurgle.”

  97. AlgaeHydra says:

    Just remembered a favorite:

    “I’ll hold it off. It won’t be able to hit my AC.”

    One natural 20 later, I was writing a new character.

  98. Silfur says:

    (A level 3 theif) Try to pick his pocket again, while he’s not looking! (Funny thing is, the 3 guards were looking at the time!)

  99. Silfur says:

    This is all I need to say:
    DM: Ouch.

  100. Arianna D says:

    “My NEXT peacock is going to have a muzzle!”

    Spoken by a brand new player who had used some of her starting gold to buy a peacock. Said peacock proved to be rather noisy while the party of 1st level character was hiding from a band of giants.

  101. Brennon says:

    Player – ”Please…give me mercy!”

    Julian the Demon Prince – “Mercy is for the weak”

  102. Blingwraith says:

    C’mon, what’s the chances I’ll roll a 1?

    (Just before he rolled the fatal 1 on a d20).

  103. Blingwraith says:

    Dan: You take 20d6 points of lightning damage…

    Sean: I can take that.

    Dan: …times 3.

    Sean: Oh.

    This actually happened.

  104. Chinnma says:

    “If my halfling cleric gets close enough to the dread knight, he can use his daily”

  105. herby1966 says:

    I run a game for my kidds and a couple of thier freinds. One of there freinds barbarians was about to die and become a wraith, and all he would say was, ” please no.” I thought about giving him a break, for a minute. Baa he died. Does that make me evil?

  106. Sh1r0k4m1 says:

    “I hate your Gay Assasin”

  107. Gomezy3k says:

    ROFL Some good ones… Back when I first started playing this happened to one of my characters:

    The party was fighting and after the fight everyone was severely injured and on the edge of dying…my cleric who had run out of healing spells decided to try and call upon his god to rescue the party…

    Me: I sacrifice this handful of gems to my God and ask for Divine healing for party.. I throw gems in fire and pray.
    DM: (Rolls) Your god doesn’t notice
    Me: I pray again louder
    DM: (Rolls) still nothing
    Me: Mad I start digging out gems from fire…if he isn’t going to notice I am going to keep jewels.
    DM: (Rolls) Your god notices and you get hit by lighting and die…(rolls) and he resurrects you and kills you several times. (rolls) You are now cursed and lose all your hair and (rolls) you have a 50% chance of your clerical spells doing the opposite (harm instead of heal, etc)… (rolls) on the bright side, he did heal the entire party…

    Hey my Priest was Chaotic Neutral..what do you expect… LOL

  108. Hawksong says:

    Bard: “There’s an open portal into Hell right there? Okay, I begin summoning astral devas and sending them through the portal!”
    DM: “Ok…now there are devils and angels engaging in a battle ten feet from the party. Hope you can defend yourselves from the friendly fire and the not-so-friendly fire. Ten big devils are heading straight for the bard.”
    Demi-god’s child: “I don’t like devils! I use Godfire!” [In this campaign, the semi-deific kid had a once-a-day attack that acted like a small nuke, fire damage for 5-50 dice. Ten-sided dice. She had to channel the attack, with a random 1-20 chance from complete fizzle on a 1 to maximized damage on a 20.]
    DM: “…okay. Which devils are you aiming for?”
    Kid: “I’m not! Do you think I’m stupid? I’m hitting the portal itself!”
    [a short silence ensues, as the DM goggles at the player of the Kid. Then…]
    DM: “Ohhhh kay…..roll to see how effectively you channel your Godfire.”
    Kid: “Oooooh! A 20!!”
    DM: “Right. Well. Then.” [Rolls the save for the portal itself, which it turns out was an actual magic item/artifact.] “Ehm.” [looks to the rest of the group] “Start rolling saves please.”
    Group: “What? Why? Huh?”
    DM: “She just blew up a gate to Hell. You want to do the math?”
    Turns out the Gate failed its save versus destruction; however its dissolution also triggered a massive explosion which in turn forced a save for Every Single Magic Item in the area: including all the ones the party was toting about.
    The lucky ones managed a time stop & teleport combo. The Kid, and the Bard, were not so lucky. The DM forced the player of the Kid to roll everyone’s item saves FOR them after the first fifteen minutes.
    An hour later, all the rolls were figured, all the damage totted up, and the results were in.
    There was a mile deep, five mile wide crater in the earth where there had been a castle and a cave system under it. The Kid was so far gone as to be less than ash, and no one in the party had the ability to resurrect her.
    Much later in life, I still hadn’t lived down that moment as the Kid…and people STILL referred to major disasters in combat as “blowing up the gate to Hell.”
    Sigh.

  109. theotherguy says:

    I haven’t gotten this yet, but my goal is

    “Not me, you idiot! THAT one’s the doppelganger”

  110. Renee says:

    We annoyed our DM by all being really ADD during a campaign. He got to the point where he was sending NPCs to TELL us “You REALLY should check this out.” and we’d run off in another direction. Finally after badgering him about something stupid during a random encounter he said, “That’s it! Rocks fall, you die.”

  111. Zraeus says:

    “I can clear that jump on everything but a 1.”

    Followed by

    “I jump in after him and activate my cloak of flying”
    DM: “Doesn’t that put you over your carrying capacity?”
    “So?”

  112. BolrikStouthammer says:

    I play a dwarf who tries to cook everything. I once cooked up some snake meat with half a healing potion and some stout. Only one of the players wanted to try it. It went like this.

    PC: Ok, how do I feel?

    DM: You’re feeling a bit funny, where are the dice?

    A few dice rolls later

    Dm: Sorry, the dwarfs cooking killed you.

    PC: Bloody dwarves…

  113. Dooda says:

    I drink the potion labeled poison on the off chance its a healing potion

  114. Killgar the Relentless says:

    oops.

  115. Nedark says:

    “Are you stoned?”
    The sorcerer said to the King in his palace. Out loud. In character.

    DM: …
    PC1: What?
    DM: You just killed the poor guy.
    PC2: So? We were on a quest to find, stop, and possibly kill him.
    DM: Yeah, from the EVIL and DARK side of the town!
    PCs:…
    DM: DM WRATH! *10 d20 fire damage a round*

  116. GroovyTaxi says:

    ”A fire elemental? I cast Conjure Water on him!”
    The term ”making it rain” took a whole new dimension before the druid’s dog burst into flames.

  117. Zixy says:

    I attack the stirge latched onto my face
    true story.. for me and guys i DM for

  118. TheFlameAlchemist says:

    “Hi Orcus, Have you heard the good news?”

  119. RogueMetal says:

    From the last campaign I ran the following were said by my players, and I quote:

    “What is that thing?”
    “This apple is delicious.”
    “But that’s MY axe.”
    “I hate you.”
    “If I die, do I get extra lives?”

    and my personal favorite,
    “Using earthquake underground isn’t THAT dangerous.”

  120. Silfur says:

    Hey, instead of killing the very last goblin, lets have some fun and TABLE-TOP HIM!
    What we didn’t know was right after it was on it’s back (successful tabletop) it blew a whistle calling for reinforcements. We felt the pain.

  121. cainsith says:

    You guys forgot the best one of all time…

    “It’s O.K. I’m a natural born lever puller!

  122. Straken says:

    DM: “ah if only we had a thunder storm…I could call lighting on the Chirmera…”

    ME: “Ok, I wish for a TEMPEST for fourty days and fourty nights”

    DM: “WHAT!!!”

    We spent the better part of fourty days and nights in a cave the DM found after that wish, and i had a fairly large patch of ground named after me “Rand Al’Thors Scar” lol

    Thats what happened after looking at the Epic lvl playes handbook far too often.

  123. origami says:

    ok, fine, ill help you kill it…

  124. origami says:

    and another one
    Me: “yeah, so we are finally done with this dungeon right?”
    DM: “hey matt, did you know ropers could be mind flayers?”

  125. Nar Verda says:

    “I cast light spell…”

    Sorcerer during midnight trip surrounded by hostile archers

  126. tasos says:

    DM: you see a man with a black cloak and armor that looks like moving darkness
    lvl 3 rogue: i pickpocket him
    DM: he hits your hand without even looking.
    PC: i stab him with my rapier

    Also another from the same player
    DM: Three paladins aproach wielding greatswords and ask did you attack that shopkeeper?
    PC: no, and i stab them with my rapier(He just wouldn’t learn…)

  127. Shadowrunner says:

    “What do you mean the whole room detects as a trap?”

    DM- “Are you moving in the open?”
    Stone Giant player- *grabs the nearest guard and holds him up as a shield* “No, i’m hiding behind the guard”

    Player- “how deep does the lava look?”

  128. Rob says:

    ‘What? The Bugbear’s got me in a bear-hug? I’ll cast Flamestrike on it…’

    ‘I’ll offer him 2 gold pieces for his daughter’s honour…’

    ‘I don’t care even if he is a Dwarven warrior-king. He’s still a short-arse…’

    ‘Good job we killed that Doppelganger of yours… Now, guard my back!’

  129. GrinningMalkavian says:

    All in the same Vampire: the Masquerade campaign.

    DM: You sense that the figure in front of you is alone and that he is kindred, but something about him just isn’t right. What do you do?
    lvl2 Nosferatu: Check this out. I burn one blood and use celerity to sneak past his guard and appear face to face with the figure and say “Boo!” Hahaha!
    DM: How’s your dodge?
    lvl2 Nosferatu: Why?
    The figure was an Assamite craving for Nosferatu blood.

    —-

    I played a Malkavian and during this time the DM found it good to pair me with a Toreadore. I’m level 10 and the noob was a level 2. We were waiting for the Ventrue and the Brujah who went in a gun store to acquire some weapons for our mission to eradicate the Sabat who are threatening the Inner Circle of the Ventrue residing in Dallas.
    Toreadore: Well, it seems that your dressed in drabs and smell like you crawled out of the slums. Is THAT where your haven is?
    Me1: I ought to slit your throat and use your head as a. . .
    Me2: Now, now, now. Ruppert, say sorry to the girlie man.
    Me1:But he. .
    Me2: Now Rupert.
    Me1: S. . S. .Sorry.
    Toreadore: That’s better you little whelp. No who your betters are.
    Me3: Now that wasn’t very nice now, was it.
    three minutes later. . .
    Brujah: Hey, where’s pretty boy.
    Me4: He said something about being too pale and getting a tan in Mexico. Right Levi?
    Me3: A tan indeed. *Hysterical laughter dismissed by the Brujah and Ventrue*

    —–

    My Favorite.

    The Brujah and I were tasked to talk to another kindred who knew of the Sabat’s plans and their “base of operations”.
    Me3: My word! That’s who we’re talking to? Hahahaha! That’s rich! How long has it been since I last saw one?
    Me4: Oooooh. . . So that’s what they look like.
    Me1: *spits to the side* Poor bastards are still around then?
    Me2: Hey sir! Hey, Gargroyle!
    Brujah: Maybe he can’t hear you. HEY SLAVE!
    Me2: You’re on your own now kind sir.
    Brujah: I can take this mothe. . . . . .
    Me1: Err, what?
    Me2: That’s enough out of you Ruppert. Who am I in the presence of?
    Gargroyle: My name is or rather was Carlisle, you can call me Carl.
    Me3: Pleasure. What happened to the big bloke with us?
    Gargroyle: He’ll be landing soon.

  130. TroublesomeBard says:

    .. I’m guessing a 14 isn’t enough, is it?

  131. Nobodythere says:

    “Magic is for wimps.”

  132. TroublesomeBard says:

    PC: I’m gonna pull the rope.
    DM: The rope attached to the trap door?
    PC: Yep.
    DM: The Trap door… Right above your head.
    PC: Mhmmm.
    DM: Right after your party carefully lowered you down the chute with a rope, From a room filled with sand.
    DM: Make a reflex save.
    PC: For what?
    DM: To keep from being buried alive under 10 feet of sand pouring through the trap door from the room above you that you were originally.

  133. Shali says:

    Scenario: My brother is dming a game between me and two friends. We’re in the first dungeon. In front of us is a treasure chest.

    PC1: I open the chest,
    DM: You find a dagger with a gem painted to look like a cats eye on the end.
    PC1: I hand it to the party assassin.
    ME: I look at the dgger, shaking it a little.
    Dagger: Oy! Enough with the shaking!
    ME: Augh! It talks! I throw it the he;ll away from me!
    DM: The dagger comes back and stabbs you. You die.

  134. Shingetsu says:

    A few of my own:
    Forgotten realms campaign all:
    Water deep mountain…
    I’m playing as a drow assassin (every scenario) and a mind shard psionicist.
    Assassin(me):what material is the mountain made of?
    DM: roll
    DM: magnesium.
    Me good, so all run, il ignite it and tele out…

    It actuallly worked.

    Much later on…
    Assassin is level 15ish

    Noob rogue: I pickpocket the assassin!
    Me: I cut of his hand as he tries to.
    Rogue: I scream and you to stab.
    Me: I push him away.
    Rogue: I call my level 30 Mage ally!
    Me: HOLY, SHADOWMFORM.
    dm: you escape
    Me: sigh
    Dm: but you meet a level 20 Orc

    I actually killed him, a skill with 10d20+ ongoing 20 damage goes a loong way with a nat 20 haha.

    The dragon is racing towards you.
    I’m an assassin! What do you ant from me!
    Dm: death comes to help you, do you speak or hide?
    Me: hide until someone dies.
    Dm: death destroys the dragon.
    Me: and…?
    Dm: eats it’s soul.
    Me: oh I do that too, I go talk to her.

    That’s how my level 25 died,…. Sob

    Death of my mineshard.
    I try the explode thing again!
    Dm:roll reflex.
    Nat
    Dm:you are too late, your teleportmis too slow.
    Me: I’m shards… I can reconstruct myself!
    Dm: right after someone digs up the under chasm.

  135. tony says:

    Epic last words….

    “Come on…. what could the chest have inside it?”
    To the DM: “I open the chest…”

  136. Androd says:

    They open the magic door…
    Barbarian: I will go first!

  137. haha says:

    I roll to disbelieve the bugbear case ime lvl 1

  138. Drudo Bwien says:

    After falling into several traps, and nearly dying, and nearly killing the barbarian as he tried to save me, and after the Cleric healed me, I, the halfling rogue, decided that if the not obvious traps were the traps, that perhaps the obvious trap wouldn’t be a trap:

    I jump up and run for the red rectangle on the ground…..
    it opens into a pit trap….
    While falling, I tie a line to the crossbow bolt and fire up….nat 1, followed by another nat 1…

    Later that same dungeon, in a frozen cave, with a little girl who asked for the PC’s “True Names,” The other halfling rogue decides to hug the little girl…..promptly flies 500ft in a 50ft room as she hugged a frost dragon.
    “Don’t hug the dragon.”

  139. Halchir says:

    GM: it’s morning, you’ve finally slept off the Dwarven Death Ale you had for breakfast three days ago.
    Me: I wake up, stretch, get out of bed, head to the door, and open it
    Me rolling for the fun of it: Nat 1
    GM: Did you seriously just Nat 1 to open a door?
    Me: ….yeah
    GM: roll to confirm
    Me: ….another Nat 1….
    GM: You set off the disabled bolt trap and it shoots you in the forehead, you’re dead. Oh, and you forgot to get dressed; so you dead, and naked, with the door open.
    Rogue later: How did he manage to set this off, the trip line had been cut two years ago? Stupid cleric.

  140. waltrz says:

    Ingutskull-Kathaldorn (Dwarven figher) After falling over 1000 feet and bearly surviving, while the to other two players that followed him down the hole died on contact, the remainder of the party (Venerable elven Ranger, my half-orc rouge with a greatsword, the half-orcs adopted daughter/apprentis, and an eladrin sorcerer) pulled him out with a chain and forced him a healing potion. Now for some reason the player thought it would be a great idea to suddently become evil blaming it on a concussion. So the first thing he said after standing up was “I push the srocerer into the hole” The sorcerer managed to fey-step out of the fall onto the other side of the hole while the ranger stepped back and fired two arrows into him one hit was a crit and I sent him into unconsciousness with a hit from my fire enchated greatsword and a sneak attack from flanking. Once he was down we just rolled him into the hole on fire where he exploded when he made contact with the ground below. He took nobody with him like he wanted and didn’t even get a chance to attack after pushing the sorcerer.

  141. RPG GM says:

    These lists are great. It seems mine keeps on growing and growing… Keep em coming!

    Famous Last Words in Roleplaying Games: https://fyxtrpg.com/famous-last-words-in-roleplaying-games/

  142. Weez gobbos says:

    Well I am a dragon born I command the kobold army to be my slaves
    Yeah didn’t work out

  143. keith shelton says:

    MY players hate the following comment
    Your dead what do you do next?

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  1. from hades says:

    Famous D&D last words…

    Diese dürften wohl jedem DM nur allzu bekannt vorkommen, click =)

    What exactly do you mean when you say “save or die”?…

  2. […] I’m pumped! My schedule is wide open – I’ve only committed to a couple of events so far – Out-of-the-box roleplaying (which is open to the public) and Drunk D&D (which isn’t open to the public, but should give us great quotes, and maybe even famous last words) […]

  3. […] The DungeonMastering.com version is from December 2007, & remains our reigning champ when it comes to reader responses.  Racking up an inconceivable 143 Comments, we’ve gone through each & every one of them to bring you the absolute Ten Best.  We’re using comment names to identify their owners.  And also because we wouldn’t otherwise get to write such things as ‘TroublesomeBard.’  Here we go. […]



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