Thankfully I had enough time to limp to safety before it actually physically collapsed, but what with a couple of shuriken in each leg it was a damned close call.

Halin Star-Child (half-Elf fighter, all-star moron) has a habit of doing silly stuff like that, but then, his heart’s in a good place, and he’s always got his loyal friends to help out in a pinch.

My bro’s character says to the NPC, “Take care of her for me…” and so he does exactly that, he pulls out his big two-handed bastard sword and lops off her head spraying blood all over the room and onto my brother’s wizard. He’s like, “YOU IDIOT! Why did you do that?” the NPC responds, “You told me to take care of her…” So you’d think he’d learn from that mistake right? NOPE! He then says, “Get rid of the body.”

Again the warrior takes him very literally and opens up the window to the room and tosses the body out into the alley below. The wizard is furious and screams, “WHY DID YOU DO THAT!?” The warrior responds, “you told me to get rid if the body…”

Needless to say, he decided to be very very specific from there on out about what he told the NPC to do.

Anyways, I got a pretty gruesome way to die AND a horrible tale of evil ressurection. thankfully, it was survivable, but NOT without evil consequences. Ya see, many an age ago, When we were being evil badasses (what? it was an evil campaign, its allowed!) me, being the awesome wizard that I am, was able to actually enslave a red dragon… you can imagine the mayhem and destruction that caused for the DM. Anyways, the DM decided to do something about it. A few epic charm monster spells later, and I literally became the next meal for my enslaved dragon… damn do-gooding sons of a banshee!

But, this is about survivability isn’t it? where would the survivability be if I didn’t somehow come out of it alive? In this case, it has a literal meaning, I did come out of the dragon, but as dragon guano. What’s that you say? that doesn’t count? oh contrare my friends. my DM is practical if not realistic in his games and I took a look at a few of the ressurection spells. Naturally, a true ressurection would have brought me back the way I should have been, but sadly, none of my friends were high enough level for it. But…. they were high enough level for our evil cleric to use his lower level ressurection spell on me. If you look close enough, I believe that all you need is the body, or the pieces of it, and presto chango! you’re alive! AND now for our biology lesson for the day kids!

Ya see, when dinosaurs roamed the earth, the carnivores weren’t exactly picky when it came to bones, In this case, they would have the bones of their food go through their digestive tract. In the end, if you see lil white flecks of stuff in big stinky piles of guano, well, thats bones for ya! With the closest thing to dragons being dinosaurs, I used my mad wizard logic on our DM. He was amazed at my idea to say the least (my friends being more of the frightened type) and said that if our cleric could do it on a roll of a 19, then he’d allow it. Pretty slim chances, but for my wizard, I was willing for our cleric to take the risk. I prayed to whatever dark god might be listening and let him roll.

It was a natural 20.

With a whoop of joy, I started dancing around the dinner table madly. But, our DM still wasn’t happy and decided to interfer in my evil fun once more. Even though it was a natural 20, he said that I may have been ressurected, but I was condemmed to walk the earth as a giant humanoid pile of, well…. yeah, dragon droppings.

While with the consequences of being somewhat undead (does being eaten and digested by a dragon even make one undead or give one some magical qualities?) and smelling worse than an ogre’s buttcrack, I was content to let myself be turned into a giant poo monster. It wasn’t perfect, but I had survived and had seen the insides of a dragon’s digestive system. Besides, it made grapple checks with any monster I came across a bit more fun.

If still being able to use my character counts as survivability, then I suppose that this counts. Just remember though kids, ya might be ressurected, but ya might also have to deal with the consequences of being dead (don’t forget the deoderant!)

Snake/DM- You guys have come far enough. Men take their weapons.
Me- Save versus death magic.
DM- What?
Me- You heard me.
DM-But what do you mean? Which guy?
Me- Snake.
DM- Why?
Me- Because Steve’s Psionicist is going to try to disintegrate the SOB.
DM- Uh okay. Roll for it.

I roll and hit my power score exactly.
He rolls and fumbles.
Snake vaporizes in front of us.
The DM starts to sweat.
Me- Well that was pretty easy.
DM- Uh…Uh…Uh…
Me- How many XP do we get?
DM-Uh…Uh…Uh…
Me-Jake are you okay?

Rest of group is laughing hysterically.

DM- THAT WAS JUST A DOPLEGANGER!!!!
Me-Sure it was.

That was the end of that game. :(

DM’s can have Oh-crap-I-shouldn’t-have moments. In the very same evil campaign, my Bard was sent out to reconnoiter a fortress (that’s right! A Bard could succeed where a Rogue could not!) and I ran into a trap (the lack of detecting traps is a downside though).

DM: “Roll your Reflex save. DC is 25.”
Me: “My Reflex save is only at 6! You’re gonna kill me!”
DM: “Oh, relax and roll. It’s not like it’s a death trap or anything.” He rolls damage, because no matter what, I’m at least getting half.
Me: *rolls* “NATURAL F@%*&ING 20! HAHA!”
DM: “Great! Take 28 points of damage.”
Me: “How much damage did you roll?”
DM: “56.”
Me: “I ONLY HAVE 42 HIT POINTS YOU (the following has been removed for your convenience.)
DM: ” Oh shit! Really? Wow. I guess it’s good that you rolled a nat. 20, then isn’t it?”

I fumed for the rest of the reconnaissance. It was fun though because later I passed up the get-away car and got captured. lol.