How to Handle SOs at the Gaming Table
Picture by Ruscca
There’s a new face at the gaming table! One of your players has brought along their girlfriend (or boyfriend, or buddy, or long-suffering grandma) to check out your game. If the player was considerate, they cleared this with you beforehand. But sometimes surprises happen. Now you just have to figure out what to do with the significant other.
Which Type Are They?
SOs come in three basic types. You don’t need to do much with the Type As; these folks are gamers in their own right, who just happen to be in a relationship with one of your players. They know the rules, they can create their own character, and they are ready to jump into the action.
Type Bs are new to gaming, but eager to learn. Maybe they’ve hung around gamers in the past, and wondered what all the dice-rolling was about. Maybe they’ve observed games before, but never got the chance to participate. You can expect to spend some extra time walking them through character creation and helping them learn the rules, but they tend to stick around because they genuinely enjoy gaming in a social setting.
Type C’s are trouble. These are the folks who don’t game, don’t understand why other people do it, and don’t really want to be a part of it. In fact, they’re only at your gaming table to humor one of your players. (Lucky you!) At best, they’ll be a distraction. At worst, they will disrupt your game and cause drama. So sometimes you’ll need to…
Just Say No
You could announce that your campaign is off-limits to SOs until you get to know them. If the SO seriously wants to join your game, they will be willing to sit down with you and talk about their character and their goals. This will also give you a feel for their basic personality, and help you identify potential conflicts with your current players.
It’s also fair to ask your players not to bring tagalongs, especially if they tend to be disruptive. This policy might earn you some grumbles, but won’t cause solid players to drop out of the game.
So, what’s a DM to do when a player asks to insert one of their friends into the game? If you have fair warning, you can…
Take a Test Drive
If you don’t know the significant other very well, you need to run a little DM recon to see what you’re up against. Invite them to participate in a one-shot adventure that’s separate from your usual campaign. Cut down on your planning time by using a module. After all, you don’t want to spend hours and hours planning an adventure for someone who might play one session, decide it’s not their cup of tea, and drop out. By engaging the significant other in a side game, you can assess their interest in the game without disrupting your regular game and players. You will also give the newcomer the chance to experience the game firsthand and decide whether they like it or not without feeling intimidated by a larger group’s skills and expectations.
Unfortunately, SOs sometimes drop in unannounced. That’s why you should always…
Expect the Unexpected
Keep some simple pre-rolled PCs or NPCs in reserve for these occasions. You don’t want to disrupt the game even more by waiting for someone to draw up a PC on the spot – especially if they don’t know how. It’s okay to implement a rule stating that unexpected guests have to play one of the pre-gens. Or you can let them play a minor NPC that accompanies the group. Try to have a fair variety of pre-rolled characters on hand so that newcomers can choose something that appeals to them.
Have you had significant others at your gaming table? Did everyone survive the experience? I’d love to hear all about it, so please share!
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Arete
I usually don’t let people join in the middle of the campaign, but if I’m certain everything is gonna be ok, why not. I did have my own(now ex-) girlfriend join our group and it was great(not just for me, she was new to D&D but quickly became a really good player, it was kinda hard for me as a GM, because everyone always watched if I was going to give some extra benefits to her, but I didn’t, I tend to be as fair as possible to everyone. Later her best friend came too and that passed very well too. I was a cool campaign. The next campaign hardly started tough, we broke up, and the group collapsed.
Now I have my best friend in and she brought in her boyfriend and it’s ok, he can be overprotective at times witch can make some conflicts, but it’s manageable. I generally don’t have a problem with a lack of players(quite the opposite), so saying no to people is something I had to learn to do(I’d like to make a second, maybe even third group, but I don’t have enough time to play decently with one, let alone 3 groups). Saying:”No, sorry, you can’t join, we’re too many already, but I’ll keep you in mind”, is something that always makes me feel bad(especially when some of my best friends ask the question), but what can I do.
I got my own girlfriend to try D&D almost a year ago (after many years of trying) and she was hooked after one session. She’s been DMing her own campaigns, building up a backlist of characters she wants to play and amassing her own collection of books. I’m a lucky geek.
In general my group gets a lot of girlfriends and tag-alongs coming in, thankfully never any type Cs. I love having type Bs though. When there is a type B present I really step up my game and kick up my energy level. How I run the game if this person’s first intro to gaming and may determine if they ever play again, I need to do a great job.
For 4e character generation with newbies, I usually walk them through it with a series of questions. I start off explaining the four roles, asking what play style appeals to them. Then I’ll explain the classes within the role they picked. Next I explain the races good for the class. I usually do this sitting in front of the character builder. The program is very handy for making sheets for new players. Also if you are really short on time it has a quick character feature. You can pick race, class, build and level and it will generate a very usable character on the spot, but I find it is better if the newbie makes their own.
I got my wife (then girlfriend) to start playing. it was fun. Although: I had to make certain I was careful to remove the perception of Bias towards her character. And managing personality conflicts that can arise sometimes was a little harder. (She didn’t talk to me for a day after I told her she needed to stop talking to another player with disrespect – ouch!)
But all in all it was rewarding.
LOL. It just wouldn’t happen in our group. If one of the guys I gamed with brought his ‘SO’ with him to a game night, unannounced (the only way, because the guy who hosts simply would say ‘NO’ if asked beforehand) he’d simply say “Okay then, we’re not playing tonight, so unless you guys come up with something to do, you might as well go home.” Harsh, but this is only because we’ve been gaming for years together and the few other occasions where girlfriends have joined the group, they all ended, very, very badly, i.e., bias shown towards the significant other, a disruptive attitude on behalf of the SO..etc.
On occasion old members of the gaming group have come in from out of town and joined us for a session or two and this has worked. They’ll usually just play a character who has been an NPC, or make a special Guest Appearence character.
I am the DM and one of my regulars is my girlfriend, if that counts :P. Yes, I’ve heard horror stories, though. A group one of my regs went to had two existing SOs that had, during the course of their session, broken up, but were still living together…Needless to say, after this occurred, nothing got done and the had to stop the game altogether.
One of our guys brought his wife to the game table once. I’d have to say that she was a type D, however.
This type is not so bad. They aren’t really interested in gaming, but they are willing to give it a shot.
Needless to say, it was her first and last gaming session. But she was not disrespectful or disruptive when she did play the one time.
Don’t do it! As a general rule however, older couples are much easier to deal with. Once they have had a relationship crisis or two they should be able to behave in public. Once they are not a couple anymore, one or both has to go!
My husband is the DM of our group. He’s one of those talented types that people beg to run games because he’s so great at thinking on the fly. We both take steps to avoid any perception of bias, and since neither of us has any interest in giving my PC unfair advantages, it’s worked well through the years. If anything, I think he’s tougher with me than with the other players!
I’ve also DMd for newbie SOs. I can work with people who want to learn. But there’s only so much blank-eyed boredom I can tolerate. (ie, *yawn* ‘Like.. what’s an orc?’ or *yawn* ‘Elf? Like the ones that make the cookies?’) At that point I banish them from the table with my smokin’ Finger of Doom.
Personally, I’ve had good and bad experiences. I think everyone should get their fair chance.
I DM for my group, most of us are married, so we have the wives get together the same night we game the hangout while we geek it up. They always saw they want to try it out but never do. So to kinda introduce them to the game, whenever i have female NPC’s i write up a script and have the wives role-play the part of the NPC. This helps them understand the concept of role-playing and it gives my players a real person to interact with instead of me doing a stupid voice or trying to act out the NPC. The next step is to slowly get them into the game. I have done small quick side adventures with just the wives and the characters they created, before the big game with all the husbands, it helps them understand the rules and how to play certain classes, so when they jump into the big game they dont slow the group down.
Let me interject a new one, The Type… um… (checks the comments)… Type E
SOs that are gamers (or are at least interested) that have determined, either on their own or (actually more common, through the mis-communication of the SOs “SO”)… that they will simply be welcomed and absorbed into the game as a new member. This can present several problems, usually resulting in a type C situation and possibly the loss of a player. Below I;ve listed two of the more common problems with a Type E:
1) “What do you mean “no?” I’m his/they’re my SO?” Refusing to allow a Type E into a game can happen for many legitimate reasons. They’re may be a set number of players for the adventure currently running, it may an inappropriate time to introduce a new character, there may simply be too many players at the moment… for what ever reason, you as the GM have decided not to allow the SO in question to join. Suddenly, you are in a potential disruptive situation, as the aforementioned phrase is interjected: Not accommodating the addition to the “new player” can very quickly lead to a Type C situation.
2) “But he/she all ways lets me ?” Another possible situation when dealing with an E type. Having players from different groups enter yours is always interesting as style comparisons are unavoidable. Between players these are usually solved in one of three ways: a) a (usually inexperienced) GM accommodates the newer player’s preferences, b) A GM diplomatically explains that the house rules are different with the present group and the Player adjusts, c) A GM diplomatically explains that the house rules are different with the present group and the Player leaves the game for one that better suits is play style. However with a Type E SO it becomes doubly difficult should the SO not accept to acclimate to the new rules set… putting pressure on the Player and GM to “make it so.” or again, converting to a Type C SO once refused.
I have DM/Directed a lot. Most of my D&D3.5 gaming & WOD is with married 30-40 year olds. Its been some what intersting, we do have a core group but I/we have had nothing but good times with a slow steady flow of new people. Most are non gamers, looking to get back into old style games & a social life away from children. Some stay some leave after the first session, but most enjoy themselves & have nothing but good things to say.
I don’t think you should type cast people into a set roles. Its kind of mean & a little lame.
Just be straight with people, mate, you want to play, this is what your doing in this game, give them the run down & if it not their bag, then accept that, helps if you get organised, and find all this out before hand, but it dosn’t always work. That’s life. What do you do with some one who is playing up & disturbing the session? I just tell them I taking them out & they can do refreshments, play with the children or go home.
I have been Gaming since I was in High School and That was in 1987 and Now I am 40 Years old you do the math. Well any way, I have been gaming off and on for a period of 20 years or more and I have been running games just as long. I have had my share of So’s join the game that I was running at the time and I have had both good and bad experience with So’s and I will give examples of both.
The Good:
I remember one couple, he was my best friend at that time and his girlfriend at that time was curious about the game so I invited her to play. Little did I know that she would become one of the best players that I had at that time. it was grate while it lasted then “life happened” they got Married and Moved to Washington D.C. After that the Group Kind of went their separate ways we kept in touch for a few years after that but inevitably we lost touch with one another.
The Bad:
Their was one instance that stands out in my mind with a type “C” Religious NUT that just wanted to see for her self what was going on. It was a disaster waiting to happen she was fine for about 20 minutes or so until our mage cast his first spell which was something simple like Magic Missile and this chick went ballistic and started saying that we were all going to !@#$ for what we were doing. She was forcibly removed from the house and asked NOT to return ever again!
Glad I am a type A. Or is my boyfriend a type A?
We’ve never had anyone bring someone without announcing him or her first. That would be quite impolite I’d say.
I always keep a few pre-generated character sheets handy for unexpected players. If it’s in the middle of a campaign I will slip them in as either the only survivor of another group or a prisoner who is rescued by the players already playing. I have encountered situations in which a SO is given preferential treatment or insider information. This is never fun for the other players. Whenever I DM I hand out a printed sheet of house rules to everyone and keep spares on hand. Everyone including the DM has to follow them. One of the house rules is that no player shall have information concerning game mechanics or the campaign that is not avaliable to all. Characters are another matter. If a character chooses not to tell everyone else the rumor she heard in town that is fine, it’s part of roleplaying. However, no player is going to be given special knowledge outside of the game that gives him/her an advantage over the others.