Kiss My Shillelagh: Interview with a Leprechaun
Leprechauns are tricky little suckers. In D&D lore, they’re tiny fey folk who can go invisible at will, pick pockets with the greatest of ease, and have a soft spot for wine and helpless creatures. As you can imagine, landing an interview with one took some doing. But I’ve been playing D&D for 16 years, so I was prepared.
First, I made sure not to have any valuables on my person – or, in fact, any pockets at all. Then I took a jug of wine to a sylvan shore, where I waited for the borderline between dusk and night. When the time was right, I keeled over and pretended to be mortally wounded.
Sure enough, I was soon dragged through hundreds of feet of thorny underbrush (I suffer for my art) and back to the leprechaun’s lair! When he realized I wasn’t badly hurt, he got a little grumpy. But, bottom line, he’s only two feet tall, so I managed to coerce from him a brief interview. (The wine helped.)
Janna: Thanks for agreeing to be interviewed today.
Leprechaun: I dinna agree t’ nothin’! *hic* Ye tricked me, foul enchantress!
Janna: Whatever. Anyway, I’ve done some research on you, and I’ve noticed a trend. You were featured in the 1e Monster Manual, the 2e Monstrous Manual, and the 3.5 Tome of Horrors. But you haven’t made an appearance in 4e yet. Why is that?
Leprechaun: Ah, ye know how ‘tis. Schedulin’ considerations an’ all. Hard t’ find time t’ get biographed. An’ them sketches ne’re did sit well wi’ me. Made me look a right riverdancin’ fool, they did.
Janna: You mean you don’t riverdance?
Janna: Right. Well, let’s talk more about your scheduling considerations. Even though you weren’t in the 4e Monster Manual, you did manage to make an appearance in the World of Warcraft Manual of Monsters a few years back. Care to comment?
Leprechaun: Twasn’t me.
Janna: Oh? That wasn’t you in Appendix III?
Janna: Reeeealllly? You didn’t “arrive on the continent of Kalimdor” from “a small island on the western horizon” and “hold enmity with the Korred”?
Leprechaun: … Okay lass, I can’t bear ye’re relentless use o’ quotation marks. Make ‘em stop b’fore I show ye my new shillelagh. The one with th’ 40 round clip.
Janna: What?! How does that even work?
Leprechaun: Darned well, actually.
Leprechaun: Blast ye! If ye must know, I signed a non-disclosure agreement. Tis a magically bindin’ contract that prevents me from tellin’ ye why I jumped ship an’ went to WoW. Let’s just say I like pots o’ gold, and leave it at that.
Janna: And you found time to star in the sixth installment of your truly horrific movie franchise.
Leprechaun: Another o’ them contracts, lass. They’re iron-clad, they are. Plus, I got me own trailer.
Janna: And you took up a career in professional wrestling.
Leprechaun: Aye. I needed t’ get in shape somethin’ fierce. An’ th’ wardrobe was quite snazzy, I don’t mind sayin’.
Janna: And you also made a live appearance in Mobile, Alabama.
Leprechaun: That one, lass, I did merely for th’ lulz.
As you can see, the leprechaun has been very busy. Too busy, in fact, to grace the pages of the 4e Monster Manual. Will he ever return from his foray into sports entertainment and bad horror films? Will he bravely – or foolishly – return to Alabama, where the leprechaun hunter awaits with his ancient magical flute? Tell us about your close encounters with leprechauns in the comments section, and have a great St. Patrick’s Day! :)