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Polymorphed Goblin Mailbag

Written by Nicholas - Published on November 21, 2008

Nicholas is the columnist in charge of Nerd Watching and part-time Expy wrangler. He also works as the community manager, so keep an eye out for him on RPG blogs and forums.

Goblin minion

I’m a goblin.  Now what?

There’s a little known fact about Dungeon Mastering. In the early days of the site Expy was given full authority over hiring. His first and last act in this position was to retain the services of a troupe of polymorphed goblins, who he allowed to write their own contract. Due to the terms of their contract they are employed by Dungeon Mastering for “infinity years” and are to be paid in a “new roasted beast each day, delivered on the back of a new non-roasted beast and accompanied by honey mustard dipping sauce of equal weight to the heaviest goblin”. In return for their substantial and bizarre compensation their sole duty is to respond to any letters we get from those who have been polymorphed into goblins and need advice to deal with the change. This has never come up, until now! I was making the daily delivery, roast celestial dire badger with 87,986.42 grams of honey mustard ferried by chimera, when I spotted the following letter:

Dear Goblin Polymorph team,

I was recently on an adventure to a region east of castle Greyhawk when I had the experience of being polymorphed into a goblin. (Or some kind of goblinoid anway- I still haven’t figured out the difference. These people all look the same to me.) Anyway, the thing is, I sort of enjoy being a goblin. I feel like I finally have a home. I get to loot, pillage, and listen to Enrique Inglesias all day and nobody in the tribe condemns such evil acts.

I don’t know how to break it to the rest of my adventuring party that I want to stay with the greenskins. I expect my group will mount a rescue attempt soon, probably killing dozens of my newfound brothers in the process and forever sullying the allure of latin music.

Will my party understand my decision to remain with the goblins? Please help.

-Gerard Duskhammer, dwarf-cleric-turned-goblin

So without further ado, here is the input of our crack team of polymorphed goblinoids.

Goblin Minion Picture

Lenwë Ciryatan, former elven botanist, current hobgoblin archer writes:

It is never easy to expose your inner self to your friends and family. The first step is to accept yourself, when you can look in the mirror and love who you are, you will be ready for others to love you. If you can dance to Enrique you are halfway there. The next most important thing is timing. You don’t want to burst it out in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner and then get into a shouting match with your father until Aunt Sally cries into the cranberry sauce. Hypothetically, that would be the most humiliating moment of your life. The sad fact is that even in the best circumstances some people just aren’t going to accept your lifestyle, some might even try to “rescue” or change you. Don’t let them control you, show your pride and crank up the Enrique”

Oswald Foxgar, halfling rogue turned goblin blackblade writes:

Ah, yes, you can never get away from troublesome party members trying to stop your pillaging fun. Even once you become a goblin it’s tough to get away from. Here’s a simple trick I learned when I became a goblin. You way over to your tribe leader and you squeal like a toy in the mouth of a hyperactive puppy. You tell the boss man that your party is coming, fill him in on all their powers and weaknesses and you have the whole tribe set up a little ambush. When your former buddies walk right into the trap and the whole tribe leaps out, make it the whole tribe minus you. They fight each other in the usual way, you just watch. If your green-skinned pals live you just tell them that nature called right before the ambush and all will be well. If your old “heroic” friends win the day than you just run out and sing their praises for the rescue. Once they have divide up the loot of your former tribe you’ll be on your way. First time they stick you on night watch you just stab up your saviors while they sleep. Next head off to the next goblin tribe with a tale of you single-handedly killed the men who killed your tribe. As an added bonus you can expect to get a lot of fangy makeout sessions, goblin chicks love avengers of a tribe.”

Bonesplitter “Steve” Facebreaker, bugbear warrior cursed to live as a goblin skullcleaver grunted:

Club break party skulls, make meat tender, taste good with honey mustard.”

So there you have it, Gerard. Our goblin polymorph team has really earned their roasted slaad carried by treant tomorrow. If you have a question for any of our polymorph team or you have been turned into a goblin and don’t know what to do contact imagoblinnowwhat@dungeonmastering.com or leave a comment.

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Written by Nicholas

Nick DiPetrillo is the original author behind the games Arete and Zombie Murder Mystery available at http://games.dungeonmastering.com

Nick is no longer active with DungeonMastering.com, however he is an accomplished writer and published his first game in 2009.

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Polymorphed Goblin Mailbag, 5.0 out of 5 based on 1 rating

Nicholas is the columnist in charge of Nerd Watching and part-time Expy wrangler. He also works as the community manager, so keep an eye out for him on RPG blogs and forums.



7 Responses to “Polymorphed Goblin Mailbag”
  1. Argokirby says:

    Umm… I really don’t know what to say about this….

  2. ZedZed77 says:

    A brilliant response from some of Dungeon Mastering’s newest talent!

    Thanks guys.

    Gerard Duskhammer is not as yet an actual D&D Character (he was just a product of my imagination.) But now that all my friends have read this article I may have to start including a certain polymorphed goblin into some encounters.


  3. Nicholas says:

    @ZedZed77: Well I’m glad someone liked it, even better than the source did. I have a strange sense of humor and knew that some people would not enjoy it, I just hope that it tickled some of you.

  4. Janna says:

    I want those goblins to negotiate my contracts!!

    Good article. ;)

  5. phycoshane says:

    nice artical must have a callange to but your self in a pholymorphed goblins shoes,this gave me a good idea for an npc though thanx

  6. Sign me up for polymorfication I wanna be a goblin! Hmm, make that a goblin shaman. Or a night goblin great shaman that is.


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