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I’m Taking Over!

Written by Expy - Published on October 26, 2009


Expy here. I have decided to bypass the middle-man – Yax – and take control of the site for the week. Why? Well, why not? After all, I am the face of this website. Whilst the humans are on holiday for Halloween you will be hearing from a couple of guest writers I have especially lined up for you and more importantly me. Right now, I’ll be informing you all with the most important information you will ever find on DungeonMastering.com. The top five ways to coexist with a glorious Red Dragon like myself.

expy-halloweenHow To Appease A Red Dragon

Red Dragons are the ultimate of all dragon kind. If you don’t believe me, just ask any other Red Dragon and they will tell you the exact same thing. As kings amongst the dragons, we are not easily impressed and, while the following are the best possible methods of ‘earning’ your life whilst living in the territory of a splendid Red Dragon, it isn’t a surety that I or one of my kin won’t eat you, destroy your town or eat you and destroy your town. After all, doing such things is highly entertaining.

5. Burn It All

Fire is a very large part in my life and I highly enjoy burning things. Forests, villages, crops and creatures, all of these things burn spectacularly well. If you find your town under threat from a Red Dragon, you should willingly let the dragon burn everything it wants without calling for a party of grand adventurers to slay the magnificent creature. If left unthreatened and in constant supply of flammable objects, a Red Dragon can stay content with the presence of humans in their territory for a period of time, especially if burnable objects are replaced in a very timely manner. Any meat that may be cooked perfectly black in this manner should be offered to the dragon as a reward for his marvelous handiwork.

4. Weaker Dragons

Burning everything in sight is extremely fun for a while but it gets old within a month or so. Whilst the Red is content with incinerating everything you own, you should use your time productively and seek out weaker dragons within the area. Whilst we Reds already know how significantly superior we are compared to the other colours. It is always pleasurable to remind our weaker brethren of this fact. After you have discovered another dragon, there are a couple of important criteria that need to be met before moving to the next stage. It is important to note that approaching a Red Dragon to acquire any personal information to compare with your intended target will result in instant death, as will not correctly completing the criteria. Firstly the horde of the other dragon must not be larger than the Red’s, as well as being easily movable. Secondly the other dragon has to be younger than the Red. Next the dragon must not be a Gold as they are pathetic and we don’t want anything to do with them. Finally, a complete history of the dragon must be collected and presented to the Red Dragon. Once all of these criteria have been achieved you can move on to the next stage. Enticing the second, weaker dragon into the territory of the Red Dragon so they can be humiliated and defeated by the awesomeness that is a Red Dragon. How you achieve this is your problem and not mine or any other Red’s.

3. Everyone Loves A Hero

It is true that everyone loves a hero, even me and my amazing Red Dragon friends. The reasons we love them may differ from yours, but their habit of carrying the best magical items and powerful artifacts is particularly appealing. Because stalwart heroes of great renown are always looking to dishonourably steal from a dragon’s treasure filled horde, it is only fitting we try to return the favour, but in a more honourable way of course. How you will help in this method is simple. Whenever one or more of these so-called champions enters your newly rebuilt town, you are to send them head first into the Red Dragon’s lair. Obviously this is to be done after a few key criteria have been completed first. Your towns primary goal is to make sure that groups of these heroes are completely separated and sent to the Red Dragon’s lair one at a time. After this, you need to compile a complete inventory of all their magical items, artefacts and gold. Then inform the Red Dragon of this information. An optional but highly appreciated task is to poison the hero before they depart on their quest to foolishly challenge the dragon. Not too much poison though as we evidently don’t need any assistance to finish off these puny people.

2. Idolize Me

With the three previous suggestions achieved and in constant renewal, your next step to appeasing a Red Dragon is a very simple one. Idolize the Red Dragon, and not in simple worship of their amazing power, but the full idol treatment. Remove any religious material and references of any and all deities currently being worshiped within in the town and replace them with monuments to your local Red Dragon. Offerings made three times a day to your new dragon deity are expected. This simple conversion is your second last step to achieving a possible coexistence with the almighty greatness that is a Red Dragon.

1. Gold, Gold And More Gold

Finally the number one method of appeasing your almighty and benevolent lord is a simple but highly effective one, a daily supply of gold. The gold does not need to be a specific amount, the only requirement is that the total amount of daily contribution reaches the average of ‘mountainous pile’. Contributions are also accepted in rare precious metals, as well as gemstones and magical items.

Simple Isn’t It?

So there it is, a very reasonable and easy five-step method to having a possibly peaceful life in the amazing presence of a Red Dragon. I’m sure you will agree that this is an extremely fair price for a possible coexistence with the world’s greatest creature. Be sure to check back within a couple of days as my hand picked writers fill the shoes of Yax and the crew whilst they take their ‘temporary’ holiday – Expy.

How do you bask in the awesomeness of Red Dragons? What is you fondest memory of Red Dragons? How glad are you that Expy has taken over Dungeonmastring.com?

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Written by Expy

Meet Expy The Red Dragon

Expy is the mascot for DungeonMastering.com and the real mastermind behind Expy Games. He likes to hoard treasure, terrorize neighbors, burn down villages, and tell white dragon jokes..

No matter how fearful the legends claim dragons are, they always end up being defeated in 5 rounds by adventuring parties they encounter. That’s what dragons are – experience points for the heroes in your Dungeons & Dragon party. And this mascot is no different, hence the name Expy.

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6 Responses to “I’m Taking Over!”
  1. DandDGuy says:

    “No Comment” He is absolutely Right!

  2. DandDGuy says:

    Like I am going to argue with a red dragon, I may be opinionated but I don’t have a death wish.

  3. Scott says:

    Total Genius, i say we start collecting gold for Expy’s tribute right away.

  4. DandDGuy says:

    and anything else we can find to add to his hoard, Gold, Silver, Art, Magic Items, whatever we can find.

  5. Elderon the dragon says:

    i think i ll have to challenge you for your gold as i am a Brass Great Wyrm at the age of 1,500 years old and i’ve had to make a extra section in my cave to hold all my gold i’ll like to see you in my neighborhood soon >;)

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