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Top 8 Ways to Tell if Your Dungeon Mistress is a Closet Dominatrix

Written by Krys - Published on September 17, 2009

Disclaimer: This is in no way meant to be taken seriously. Most female DMs are just like male DMs, but easier on the eyes. If you want hilarious insight into a real female DM experience, read Shelly M’s amazing articles on her own encounters with the “Big Chair”. If you want a satirical view of female DMing from a Dungeon Mistress with a twisted sense of humor, keep reading.

1) Your Dungeon Mistress Creates Female Villains Who Wear Black Leather and Wield Whips

“You continue into the underground lair of torture until you reach an opening. Inside you see Vormena, the Countess of Crivendale, holding down a prisoner with one boot heel and whipping him with the flog she holds in her hand.  Roll perception please.” Your Dungeon Mistress awaits your answer, “15.” She says that you notice nothing unusual, other than the obvious strangeness of walking into a torture room controlled by a mad elf.

“‘Have you learned your lesson yet, you bad boy? What do you do when Countess wants her carriage washed?’ the Countess hisses at the poor man blocking her blows. The prisoner moans and says, ‘Yes, Countess. I will wash it with the silk towels, not the woolen ones.’ She kicks him aside and says, ‘That’s right, Modar. Never forget it.’ Looking up at you, she grins evilly and slaps the flog across her perfectly manicured hand, causing blood to spatter. ‘Oh, look, boys. We have visitors. Please make them feel…at home.’ As the Countess licks the drops of blood from her fingers, the half-nude male servants standing at the back of the room move toward you, picking up random torture devices – brass knuckles, whips, flogs, and small knives – as they go.”

Your Dungeon Mistress leans forward, and the Countess’ smile appears on her own face. “Roll initiative.”

2) Your Dungeon Mistress Creates Warped House Rules to Remind You Who’s in Charge

“How much damage did your axe deal?” she asks as you roll your d10. Adding it up quickly, you inform her, “I slice him through the upper arm, dealing 7 damage.” The Dungeon Mistress shakes her head, feigning sorrow. “No, I’m afraid it doesn’t.”

You sigh…this Vormena must be pretty high level to have some kind of damage-negating ability to resist your axe. Your DM continues, “Too bad. You forgot to say ‘Dungeon Mistress’ when speaking to me.”

3) You Often Find Yourself in Traps that Tie You Up and Leave You Vulnerable to Attack

Your DM cackles, a laugh that is starting to truly scare you. “The Countess backs towards the rear wall as the last of her servants screams and dies from the divine flame that envelops him. ‘Sorry, dears, you’ll have to excuse me. I have a previous engagement with a delicious-looking paladin. Toodles!’ She pushes a brick in the wall, and it opens up. She rushes in. When it shuts behind her, you hear a shudder all around you, and random bricks begin moving back and behind the wall. From the dark recesses shoot thick ropes, and they’re heading straight for you.” The Dungeon Mistress narrows her gaze and smirks. “What’s your Reflex?”

4)  The Game Always Gets a Little Kinky

“Now that I have you all tied up,” your Dungeon Mistress says in a low, sultry voice….did she just wink at you? “The wall opens back up as you struggle helplessly. Three buxom elves, one with gold hair, the other green, and the third brown, skip through the entrance, fully nude, and you hear from the other room, ‘Enjoy your warm-up act, my sweets. It won’t be long before the main attraction arrives for the…dinner show.’ A velvety laugh shivers up your spine.

“The elves begin singing dirty limericks about the barbarian’s hammer as they dance around you.” Your DM tells you to roll initiative, and while you continue to struggle with the ropes that bind you, the elves begin their somewhat pleasurable offensive attack. “Running one hand up your leather jerkin, the golden-haired elf uses her other to slice your arm with the jagged cutting instrument from the nearby torture table. Your scream of pain only seems to excite her more.”

5) The Dungeon Mistress Allows the Use of a Safety Word Once Per Session

Even though you manage to free yourselves, the torture and delight continues until the cleric in your party suffers a deep gash from what looks like a filleting knife, bloodying him.  “The elven seductresses react strongly to the sight of all that blood gushing from his open wounds. They descend upon him.”

In a rush of realization, the cleric yells, “Oh, crap. They’re vampires. Aardvark!”

Your DM folds her arms across her chest, pouting. “Just when I was getting to the good part. Okay, take a healing surge.” She pauses, thinking. “The cleric suddenly feels a surge of life rush through him. Uttering a quick prayer to Avandra, he rolls out of the way, and the elven vamps fall to the floor in their eagerness to latch on to his near-hemorrhaging lesions.”

6) Her Props Always Seem to Be Phallic-Shaped

“Inside the chest under the torture table you pull out…” she reaches into her props bag and hands you a nine-inch bullet-shaped canister, about three inches wide, “this.” She reaches in her bag again and pulls out a black obelisk about the size of your hand in length and the width of a quarter from her recent trip to the gift shop at the museum. “And this, which appears to be made of onyx.”

You examine the props, along with the identical obelisk you found earlier in the adventure.  Lining them up in front of you, you get the strange sensation that you’ve entered an adult toy store to scan the display rack. You tilt the canister and see two holes cut from the bottom about the size of the obelisks. You insert the obelisks and hand it back to your Dungeon Mistress.

“You hear a faint whoosh as air releases from the canister.”  She twists off the cap of the modified thermos, and after a scroll falls out, you can see she’s inserted a false bottom to stop the obelisks, creating key holes for them. The scroll is heavy enough paper that it can be stood on its end, and she does so, also replacing the canister cap, removing the obelisks, and lining them up as well by size. Your Dungeon Mistress looks very pleased with her collection and pauses to admire the unusual exhibition.

7) Even Her Riddles Have a Touch of Bondage in Them

You open the scroll and read it:

Vormena,

it PAinS me to tell you thiS my sWeet, but i can nO longeR senD fresh produce. the town here suspects me of the dIsappearanceS, so i have returned to castle vilBenoff .if you wish to join me, you will need to reAd this Letter carefuLly. the servants that GuArd the castle are quite particular about who they let in now.  Greatness awaits us still, my love.

Hafelik

8) Your Dungeon Mistress Seems Disappointed Whenever She Fails to Achieve a TPK

“Making your way into the hidden room of the torture chamber, you find Vormena drinking the blood of the afore-mentioned pally, your kidnapped friend, who is sprawled unconscious on the floor. ‘Lovely, dears, you are just in time for the main course.’ She drops the body and smiles, her teeth stained with blood. With a wave of her hand, she releases the spell enchanting her features, and she immediately transforms into a pallid, fanged version of her former beauty.”

The battle is intense, and when your fighter falls, everything seems lost. The Countess screeches in delight as she drains the lifeblood of your barbarian. At the last moment, though, you and the cleric encircle the ghoulish vixen, and you position your next strike to shove Vormena past him, leaving her vulnerable to his attack. He strikes out with his morning star, and then follows up by immobilizing her with an intense gaze that flickers with the light of Avandra. Unable to move, she falls via your quick dagger straight into her heart. While still impaled on your blade, the Countess crumbles to ash.

You look over at your Dungeon Mistress, who looks put out that her vampire was slain. She quickly brightens, though. “That’s okay. There’s always Hafelik!”

Have you ever played with a DM that reveled in your PC’s pain, but made it somehow pleasurable anyway? Do you know of any other signs of closet domming  from a frisky DM?

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Written by Krys

Krys Underwood has been playing DnD for a couple years, and DMs most of her group’s campaigns. Krys is graduating from Texas A&M Commerce this spring and plans on teaching elementary kids. Krys is married with a six-year-old gamer girl and has been 21 years old for six years now.

Krys is the author of Scrolls of Destiny which is available at http://games.dungeonmastering.com/scrolls-of-destiny/.

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Top 8 Ways to Tell if Your Dungeon Mistress is a Closet Dominatrix, 4.3 out of 5 based on 3 ratings » Leave a comment

 

 Comments

13 Responses to “Top 8 Ways to Tell if Your Dungeon Mistress is a Closet Dominatrix”
  1. Nicholas says:

    My DM is my girlfriend. That puts a whole new disturbing spin on this article.

  2. Swordgleam says:

    Phew! None of these apply to me. Which is great, because one of my players already introduces me to total strangers as, “My lesbian dungeon master.” (I’m not sure why he decided those were the three most appropriate adjectives or that they should go in that order.)

    My all-male players, on the other hand, do tend to tie things up and torture them. I wonder if I should be getting some kind of hint?

  3. Krys says:

    Nicholas: My husband is one of my players – he seems to enjoy it!
    Swordgleam: Although I’m not a lesbian, if I was, that would so totally be my intro to everyone. And if your player changed it to, ‘This is my lebsian Dungeon Mistress Dom’, so much the better! A little pleasurable pain goes a long way to make for an interesting session!

    Everyone: Prize time! Some of you know from my previous post that I’m a Family Guy fanatic, so it’ll be no surprise when I ask: What is Peter and Lois’ safety word?
    First winner gets one of my logic puzzles that won’t be available to the general public for a couple more months. Who knows? Maybe it’ll be BDSM themed? ;)

    ~Krys~

  4. Nathan says:

    Krys: I believe the answer is banana

    If there are S&M indpired DMs out there, they may want to check out the Erotic Book of Fantasy (google it), there’s some pretty hot stuff in there.

  5. Krys says:

    Got it on PDF already, Nathan!

    Banana it is! Follow the link below for my freebie site, and my email is listed in the free PDF. Email me and I’ll send you your prize.

    http://www.scribd.com/full/19655492?access_key=key-24dsiuc4qqp5qlt6uj89

    ~Krys~

  6. GroovyTaxi says:

    9) Your Dungeon Mistress will pit you against vampires. All the time.

    You write unusual articles Krys (ironically, the first one was about children), I like your ideas. Still, it’s hard to apply when you’re a guy : when your players are all guys, they find it weird to play such scenes. When there are girls in the group, you’ll just look like a pervert for putting erotic stuff in your games.

  7. ElizaW says:

    Hmm. As a female DM myself, this makes me want to run a drow campaign… :D

  8. Krys says:

    GroovyTaxi: What can I say? I’m a woman of diverse talent. ;)
    My advice on the players situation is kind of limited. My players are up for anything, and they’re excellent roleplayers to boot. For the guys, I can only recommend reminding them that it’s all in the game and that the humor value is worth it alone. For the girls, you’d be surprised what we will tolerate in game before considering our DMs real pervs. As long as it’s not too graphic and there’s no OOC touching, we’re pretty cool with it in general. Your girl players may be different, every girl is. Try talking to them first about what they’re comfortable with and go from there.

    ElizaW: Sounds like a plan…and making the drow into vamps and adding in a little bondage gear is all the better! Just a thought…
    ~Krys~

  9. For the girls, you’d be surprised what we will tolerate in game before considering our DMs real pervs. As long as it’s not too graphic and there’s no OOC touching, we’re pretty cool with it in general.

    This is quite true. My husband and I host a Dark Heresy game every Wednesday night, and our GM is one of my other friend’s husbands. Somehow, my character ended up seducing a priest to get some much needed information. (Can I help it if she was trained in Charm and not in Deceive? And that the cult was a pleasure faith?) Now the other players (I’m the only female) seem to think my Sister is easy. (The original character got killed, and they immediately started trying to hit on the Sister that was sent to replace her.) It’s all good, though. I wrote up the seduction scene on deviantART, and it’s gone over well with those who’ve read it so far. So I wouldn’t be averse to future such scenarios. ;-)

  10. Krys says:

    Like the Ophelia art, Christina! Can’t wait to see more.

    ~Krys~

  11. Dr Charles Forbin says:

    My DM really is a Dominatrix .. and she finds it hard to trick me.. the other players however .. well plenty more where they came from.

  12. Dani says:

    That…was hilarious. Haven’t had a chick DM yet….granted i’m the only one in our group (and have no intention of DM’ ing) but that was awesome. Kinda makes me want to.

  13. MaDonna says:

    As a submissive female, you’d think I wouldn’t be able to pull of being a Dominant DM, but I do it quite well. My games always have an element of BDSM in them.

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